I feel so confused about my life right now. It's like... FUCK. Why can't it be OVER already? Oh, that's right, I'm not suicidal, that's why :l I just wish things would magically work out between me and Dim, me and Smeag, etc. without me actually talking to them.
Yeah, the thing with Smeag is a bit retarded. I'm too tired to talk about it now, but it's on my mind. Along with college, my online chem (because I failed first semester of it), and my financial crisis (aka I NEED A JOB).
Life sucks lol
~~The FiFi~~
[P.S.] I NEED TO START PLANNING MY AWESOME BIRFDAY PARTEH. CHRIST ON A POGO STICK.
----------------
Now playing: Pink - Glitter in the Air
via FoxyTunes
June 29, 2010
Everything was simpler back then...
So. Shit has happened, yet AGAIN. SO, lemme just start from the beginning.
After I had ended things with Dim, a mere two weeks passed by before she start threatening me by saying she's "either gonna ignore me forever or tell me to go to Hell" which is her of saying if I don't talk to her soon, our future would be reduced to nothing. Upon hearing this, I IM'ed her and said we could try to be friends again. After a nasty little talk about everything that had happened, she agreed too and left it at that. So at school we'd say hi to each other and occasionally she'd IM on AIM about random shit. Sounds all great, right?
Wrong.
I kept hearing things from Ty about how she would purposely get Ty angry/jealous at her because she'd would be all over his gf, Smeag. Then I heard the same thing from Matt, how she'd separate Matt and her bf, Binks. Just after seeing it for myself and hearing it a million times, I just got so pissed and annoyed at her. I mean, I KNEW how Ty and Matt were feeling. I've personally felt it and it upset me how she didn't realize how immature she was acting and it would affect me. (On a side note: Dim's really not good on picking up on people's emotions and stuff. So, in other words, she's kinda thick headed) SO one day during my 1-2 mod, I just told her to shut the fuck up because she had said something rude or... whatever. So I emailed her, saying we had to talk about us and what happened. Well, what ACTUALLY happened is that I just blew up at her and was just saying mean things at her just because I could. I was hurting, I was pissed, I was confused, I was frustrated, and more importantly, I was so ANGRY. At myself, at Dim, at EVERYTHING. Stuff was just... not going the way I wanted it to go. But, later, after rethinking everything, I realized it wasn't just about what Dim has done/was doing, but about what happened before this. Our break up. I was still hurt by that and just never realized it. I was hurt because I had changed for her, I had given up a piece of myself for her and she didn't see that; she didn't care. We had to hide our relationship because she was SCARED. Scared of our friends' reactions. Scared of what everyone would think.
I realize now, it's not just because she's a "private" person, she's a fucking coward. She had told me (during our break up) that she had wanted to tell people about us back in Feb. Well, our break up happened in MARCH. So, what the FUCK Sara? Couldn't BOTHER to tell me THEN?! The whole reason I had been feeling depressed during those months we were together was because I couldn't share with my friends that I was dating someone I had liked for YEARS now. I couldn't fucking tell anyone, but I did anyways. I told my close friends and a couple others found out. Now that we've broken up, I've taken it upon myself to tell everyone what happened, that we were dating then broke up, and my feelings on everything. So now some of my friends know and I'm finally starting to move past it.
And on TOP of that, I can't get over that me and her were dating. Like, I can't look at her without thinking, "Why isn't she hugging me/holding my hand?" and then I remember, "Oh, that's right. We aren't going out." And it's hard to just go from girlfriend to friend. It's difficult. And Sara had the audacity to tell me to just "get over it" during our little chit chat. Though she didn't realize it then (and probably now) is that she had simply and RUDELY told me to just get over her. As though it was nothing important. As though our entire relationship was just a phase and nothing more.
Whether she realizes it or not, our relationship meant a whole lot more to me than it meant to her. I took it seriously and I gave it my all and I got in return was... well, this. A heart break. She just acts like nothing ever happened, as though I had meant nothing to her. It... sucks. It's WRONG. It's NOT TRUE. I know I meant something to her or else why would we have done all those things together? I mean, it could be just a MASK or whatever, to hide her true feelings but still... I told her I was hurting after the break up and that I still liked her. She basically told me, "I know and I'm sorry this had to happen, but it's for the best." She never once told me she was hurting, never once mentioned how hard it was not to imagine us together, never ONCE told me ANYTHING. Just... fuck, I didn't want it to turn out this way, I never MEANT for any of this to happen. I never meant for us to go out, I never meant for us to break up, never meant for us to dislike each other so much. But, as someone once said:
Shit Happens.
~~The FiFi~~
After I had ended things with Dim, a mere two weeks passed by before she start threatening me by saying she's "either gonna ignore me forever or tell me to go to Hell" which is her of saying if I don't talk to her soon, our future would be reduced to nothing. Upon hearing this, I IM'ed her and said we could try to be friends again. After a nasty little talk about everything that had happened, she agreed too and left it at that. So at school we'd say hi to each other and occasionally she'd IM on AIM about random shit. Sounds all great, right?
Wrong.
I kept hearing things from Ty about how she would purposely get Ty angry/jealous at her because she'd would be all over his gf, Smeag. Then I heard the same thing from Matt, how she'd separate Matt and her bf, Binks. Just after seeing it for myself and hearing it a million times, I just got so pissed and annoyed at her. I mean, I KNEW how Ty and Matt were feeling. I've personally felt it and it upset me how she didn't realize how immature she was acting and it would affect me. (On a side note: Dim's really not good on picking up on people's emotions and stuff. So, in other words, she's kinda thick headed) SO one day during my 1-2 mod, I just told her to shut the fuck up because she had said something rude or... whatever. So I emailed her, saying we had to talk about us and what happened. Well, what ACTUALLY happened is that I just blew up at her and was just saying mean things at her just because I could. I was hurting, I was pissed, I was confused, I was frustrated, and more importantly, I was so ANGRY. At myself, at Dim, at EVERYTHING. Stuff was just... not going the way I wanted it to go. But, later, after rethinking everything, I realized it wasn't just about what Dim has done/was doing, but about what happened before this. Our break up. I was still hurt by that and just never realized it. I was hurt because I had changed for her, I had given up a piece of myself for her and she didn't see that; she didn't care. We had to hide our relationship because she was SCARED. Scared of our friends' reactions. Scared of what everyone would think.
I realize now, it's not just because she's a "private" person, she's a fucking coward. She had told me (during our break up) that she had wanted to tell people about us back in Feb. Well, our break up happened in MARCH. So, what the FUCK Sara? Couldn't BOTHER to tell me THEN?! The whole reason I had been feeling depressed during those months we were together was because I couldn't share with my friends that I was dating someone I had liked for YEARS now. I couldn't fucking tell anyone, but I did anyways. I told my close friends and a couple others found out. Now that we've broken up, I've taken it upon myself to tell everyone what happened, that we were dating then broke up, and my feelings on everything. So now some of my friends know and I'm finally starting to move past it.
And on TOP of that, I can't get over that me and her were dating. Like, I can't look at her without thinking, "Why isn't she hugging me/holding my hand?" and then I remember, "Oh, that's right. We aren't going out." And it's hard to just go from girlfriend to friend. It's difficult. And Sara had the audacity to tell me to just "get over it" during our little chit chat. Though she didn't realize it then (and probably now) is that she had simply and RUDELY told me to just get over her. As though it was nothing important. As though our entire relationship was just a phase and nothing more.
Whether she realizes it or not, our relationship meant a whole lot more to me than it meant to her. I took it seriously and I gave it my all and I got in return was... well, this. A heart break. She just acts like nothing ever happened, as though I had meant nothing to her. It... sucks. It's WRONG. It's NOT TRUE. I know I meant something to her or else why would we have done all those things together? I mean, it could be just a MASK or whatever, to hide her true feelings but still... I told her I was hurting after the break up and that I still liked her. She basically told me, "I know and I'm sorry this had to happen, but it's for the best." She never once told me she was hurting, never once mentioned how hard it was not to imagine us together, never ONCE told me ANYTHING. Just... fuck, I didn't want it to turn out this way, I never MEANT for any of this to happen. I never meant for us to go out, I never meant for us to break up, never meant for us to dislike each other so much. But, as someone once said:
Shit Happens.
~~The FiFi~~
May 17, 2010
Everything You Want by Vertical Horizon
Somewhere there's speaking
It's already coming in
Oh and it's rising at the back of your mind
You never could get it
Unless you were fed it
Now you're here and you don't know why
But under skinned knees and the skid marks
Past the places where you used to learn
You howl and listen
Listen and wait for the
Echoes of angels who won't return
He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why
You're waiting for someone
To put you together
You're waiting for someone to push you away
There's always another wound to discover
There's always something more you wish he'd say
He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why
But you'll just sit tight
And watch it unwind
It's only what you're asking for
And you'll be just fine
With all of your time
It's only what you're waiting for
Out of the island
Into the highway
Past the places where you might have turned
You never did notice
But you still hide away
The anger of angels who won't return
He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why
I am everything you want
I am everything you need
I am everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
I say all the right things
At exactly the right time
But I mean nothing to you and I don't know why
And I don't know why
Why
I don't know
It's already coming in
Oh and it's rising at the back of your mind
You never could get it
Unless you were fed it
Now you're here and you don't know why
But under skinned knees and the skid marks
Past the places where you used to learn
You howl and listen
Listen and wait for the
Echoes of angels who won't return
He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why
You're waiting for someone
To put you together
You're waiting for someone to push you away
There's always another wound to discover
There's always something more you wish he'd say
He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why
But you'll just sit tight
And watch it unwind
It's only what you're asking for
And you'll be just fine
With all of your time
It's only what you're waiting for
Out of the island
Into the highway
Past the places where you might have turned
You never did notice
But you still hide away
The anger of angels who won't return
He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why
I am everything you want
I am everything you need
I am everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
I say all the right things
At exactly the right time
But I mean nothing to you and I don't know why
And I don't know why
Why
I don't know
May 16, 2010
Who Knew by Pink
You took my hand
You showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh huh
That's right
I took your words
And I believed
In everything
You said to me
Yeah huh
That's right
If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong
I know better
Cause you said forever
And ever
Who knew
Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no
No no
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you friend
I'd give anything
When someone said count your blessings now
'fore they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
They knew better
Still you said forever
And ever
Who knew
Yeah yeah
I'll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
Until we
Until we meet again
And I won't forget you my friend
What happened
If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong and
That last kiss
I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling
Who knew
My darling
My darling
Who knew
My darling
I miss you
My darling
Who knew
Who knew
You showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh huh
That's right
I took your words
And I believed
In everything
You said to me
Yeah huh
That's right
If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong
I know better
Cause you said forever
And ever
Who knew
Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no
No no
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you friend
I'd give anything
When someone said count your blessings now
'fore they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
They knew better
Still you said forever
And ever
Who knew
Yeah yeah
I'll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
Until we
Until we meet again
And I won't forget you my friend
What happened
If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong and
That last kiss
I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling
Who knew
My darling
My darling
Who knew
My darling
I miss you
My darling
Who knew
Who knew
April 5, 2010
Ahhh...
I feel I lot better than I have felt in such a loooong time. I dunno if it's because me and Sara aren't friends anymore or if it's because it's spring, I dunno, but I'm enjoying it. Immensely. And despite my being a selfish bitch, I think this is gonna turn out ok. For, well ME, that is. For Sara well.......
[23:21] Alex~: hey, can I ask you for a BIG favor...?
[23:21] thespaz92: deeepeeeends...?
[23:23] Alex~: don't ignore Sara dims for too long, and don't tell her I talked to you about it, please? >_> just calm down a lil and try to start over, please? for me?
[23:27] Alex~: <3>
Yeah. So, we'll see how well this turns out for her. But as for ME, I feel free. Like I'm flying or some shit. Life could not be any better, but with that said, it is becoming a lot more "fuzzier" than usual. I keep rethinking things over and who are my real friends and who aren't and such. I keep thinking where I'll be in 10 years and how my life would've turned out. I keep thinking about how things could've changed if I had just done that ONE thing.
It's all very confusing and my mind is sick of sorting through everything. I'm taking a break of deep thinking for a lil' bit. Tis not good for my mental state right now XD Hence whyyyy I cut things off with Sara. But she does she get that? No. Not at all. She can't POSSIBLY be able to see things from MY point of view. Not at all.
It's like she has a one track mind and if something different comes her way, she just barges through it as though it never happened and continues on that same track. There's no reasoning with a woman who can't see different sides to an argument. I mean, I've been accused of doing the exact same thing but at least I acknowledge that and I do try to see things in peoples' point of views. But sometimes, though, it just can't be done (i.e. politics, religion).
Just... sometimes I want to punch her in the throat, no joke. She just doesn't get ME. I KNOW friendships are important to her and I KNOW respecting each other is friggin' important too! For her to even THINK I don't understand that is just... hurtful and downright retarded. Clearly she doesn't know me as well as she THINKS she does.
I, Phylicia Johnson, have removed Sara from my life because I BELIEVE that this is better for me. In the long run of things, this is better for her as well. For one, she didn't have me blowing up in her face about all the bullshit she decided to throw at me. I am a meeeaaan fucker when angered and trust me, I was ANGERED. I was even close to going into the "Missile Mode" as some people call it where I just VENT on that person. I bring up every little thing that bothers me about them and throw it at their faces. I don't care if it's low or hurtful or it just DESTROYS the other person. At that moment in time, I just want them to hurt and I want them to cry.
But literally after a week or so, I'd regret it and I'd regret it for the rest of my life. I hate losing friendships when it's my fault and I've caused it. But if that's what happens, it happens. At that point, I don't deserve to be their friend so I let them go. But with Sara, I didn't want that to happen. I didn't WANT to hurt her and lose her trust forever. Her friendship is special to me whether she sees it or not and even though I've said I "don't want be friends with her right now", that doesn't mean I NEVER want to be her friend. It's just, I can't handle it right now and that it's safer for us to just not be friends. She doesn't see this, obviously and it "really hurt" and thinks "I don't respect myself and therefore doesn't respect her". Bull. That's all I gotta say.
You, Sara fucking Dinwiddie, DON'T know me as well as you think you do. I DO respect myself and a hell of a lot more than you respect YOURself. I don't even wanna HEAR how this is hurting you because, quite frankly, this isn't easy for me either despite what you may think. And as for me "running back to you" you don't have to worry about that because I won't be running back. I'll be walking back at a leisurely pace and if you accept that you were wrong and apologize, we'll be "friends" again. I know that I've done wrong by doing this, but it started with you and it should end with you. I just want you to realize that you have hurt me and I do want some sort of apology for it and in return I'll apologize for ending our friendship by "overreacting" (which I don't think I did).
So. Sound fair to you, darling?
~~The Fifi~~
[23:21] Alex~: hey, can I ask you for a BIG favor...?
[23:21] thespaz92: deeepeeeends...?
[23:23] Alex~: don't ignore Sara dims for too long, and don't tell her I talked to you about it, please? >_> just calm down a lil and try to start over, please? for me?
[23:27] Alex~: <3>
Yeah. So, we'll see how well this turns out for her. But as for ME, I feel free. Like I'm flying or some shit. Life could not be any better, but with that said, it is becoming a lot more "fuzzier" than usual. I keep rethinking things over and who are my real friends and who aren't and such. I keep thinking where I'll be in 10 years and how my life would've turned out. I keep thinking about how things could've changed if I had just done that ONE thing.
It's all very confusing and my mind is sick of sorting through everything. I'm taking a break of deep thinking for a lil' bit. Tis not good for my mental state right now XD Hence whyyyy I cut things off with Sara. But she does she get that? No. Not at all. She can't POSSIBLY be able to see things from MY point of view. Not at all.
It's like she has a one track mind and if something different comes her way, she just barges through it as though it never happened and continues on that same track. There's no reasoning with a woman who can't see different sides to an argument. I mean, I've been accused of doing the exact same thing but at least I acknowledge that and I do try to see things in peoples' point of views. But sometimes, though, it just can't be done (i.e. politics, religion).
Just... sometimes I want to punch her in the throat, no joke. She just doesn't get ME. I KNOW friendships are important to her and I KNOW respecting each other is friggin' important too! For her to even THINK I don't understand that is just... hurtful and downright retarded. Clearly she doesn't know me as well as she THINKS she does.
I, Phylicia Johnson, have removed Sara from my life because I BELIEVE that this is better for me. In the long run of things, this is better for her as well. For one, she didn't have me blowing up in her face about all the bullshit she decided to throw at me. I am a meeeaaan fucker when angered and trust me, I was ANGERED. I was even close to going into the "Missile Mode" as some people call it where I just VENT on that person. I bring up every little thing that bothers me about them and throw it at their faces. I don't care if it's low or hurtful or it just DESTROYS the other person. At that moment in time, I just want them to hurt and I want them to cry.
But literally after a week or so, I'd regret it and I'd regret it for the rest of my life. I hate losing friendships when it's my fault and I've caused it. But if that's what happens, it happens. At that point, I don't deserve to be their friend so I let them go. But with Sara, I didn't want that to happen. I didn't WANT to hurt her and lose her trust forever. Her friendship is special to me whether she sees it or not and even though I've said I "don't want be friends with her right now", that doesn't mean I NEVER want to be her friend. It's just, I can't handle it right now and that it's safer for us to just not be friends. She doesn't see this, obviously and it "really hurt" and thinks "I don't respect myself and therefore doesn't respect her". Bull. That's all I gotta say.
You, Sara fucking Dinwiddie, DON'T know me as well as you think you do. I DO respect myself and a hell of a lot more than you respect YOURself. I don't even wanna HEAR how this is hurting you because, quite frankly, this isn't easy for me either despite what you may think. And as for me "running back to you" you don't have to worry about that because I won't be running back. I'll be walking back at a leisurely pace and if you accept that you were wrong and apologize, we'll be "friends" again. I know that I've done wrong by doing this, but it started with you and it should end with you. I just want you to realize that you have hurt me and I do want some sort of apology for it and in return I'll apologize for ending our friendship by "overreacting" (which I don't think I did).
So. Sound fair to you, darling?
~~The Fifi~~
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