Ahhh...

I feel I lot better than I have felt in such a loooong time. I dunno if it's because me and Sara aren't friends anymore or if it's because it's spring, I dunno, but I'm enjoying it. Immensely. And despite my being a selfish bitch, I think this is gonna turn out ok. For, well ME, that is. For Sara well.......

[23:21] Alex~: hey, can I ask you for a BIG favor...?
[23:21] thespaz92: deeepeeeends...?
[23:23] Alex~: don't ignore Sara dims for too long, and don't tell her I talked to you about it, please? >_> just calm down a lil and try to start over, please? for me?
[23:27] Alex~: <3>

Yeah. So, we'll see how well this turns out for her. But as for ME, I feel free. Like I'm flying or some shit. Life could not be any better, but with that said, it is becoming a lot more "fuzzier" than usual. I keep rethinking things over and who are my real friends and who aren't and such. I keep thinking where I'll be in 10 years and how my life would've turned out. I keep thinking about how things could've changed if I had just done that ONE thing.

It's all very confusing and my mind is sick of sorting through everything. I'm taking a break of deep thinking for a lil' bit. Tis not good for my mental state right now XD Hence whyyyy I cut things off with Sara. But she does she get that? No. Not at all. She can't POSSIBLY be able to see things from MY point of view. Not at all.

It's like she has a one track mind and if something different comes her way, she just barges through it as though it never happened and continues on that same track. There's no reasoning with a woman who can't see different sides to an argument. I mean, I've been accused of doing the exact same thing but at least I acknowledge that and I do try to see things in peoples' point of views. But sometimes, though, it just can't be done (i.e. politics, religion).

Just... sometimes I want to punch her in the throat, no joke. She just doesn't get ME. I KNOW friendships are important to her and I KNOW respecting each other is friggin' important too! For her to even THINK I don't understand that is just... hurtful and downright retarded. Clearly she doesn't know me as well as she THINKS she does.

I, Phylicia Johnson, have removed Sara from my life because I BELIEVE that this is better for me. In the long run of things, this is better for her as well. For one, she didn't have me blowing up in her face about all the bullshit she decided to throw at me. I am a meeeaaan fucker when angered and trust me, I was ANGERED. I was even close to going into the "Missile Mode" as some people call it where I just VENT on that person. I bring up every little thing that bothers me about them and throw it at their faces. I don't care if it's low or hurtful or it just DESTROYS the other person. At that moment in time, I just want them to hurt and I want them to cry.

But literally after a week or so, I'd regret it and I'd regret it for the rest of my life. I hate losing friendships when it's my fault and I've caused it. But if that's what happens, it happens. At that point, I don't deserve to be their friend so I let them go. But with Sara, I didn't want that to happen. I didn't WANT to hurt her and lose her trust forever. Her friendship is special to me whether she sees it or not and even though I've said I "don't want be friends with her right now", that doesn't mean I NEVER want to be her friend. It's just, I can't handle it right now and that it's safer for us to just not be friends. She doesn't see this, obviously and it "really hurt" and thinks "I don't respect myself and therefore doesn't respect her". Bull. That's all I gotta say.

You, Sara fucking Dinwiddie, DON'T know me as well as you think you do. I DO respect myself and a hell of a lot more than you respect YOURself. I don't even wanna HEAR how this is hurting you because, quite frankly, this isn't easy for me either despite what you may think. And as for me "running back to you" you don't have to worry about that because I won't be running back. I'll be walking back at a leisurely pace and if you accept that you were wrong and apologize, we'll be "friends" again. I know that I've done wrong by doing this, but it started with you and it should end with you. I just want you to realize that you have hurt me and I do want some sort of apology for it and in return I'll apologize for ending our friendship by "overreacting" (which I don't think I did).

So. Sound fair to you, darling?

~~The Fifi~~