I feel I lot better than I have felt in such a loooong time. I dunno if it's because me and Sara aren't friends anymore or if it's because it's spring, I dunno, but I'm enjoying it. Immensely. And despite my being a selfish bitch, I think this is gonna turn out ok. For, well ME, that is. For Sara well.......
[23:21] Alex~: hey, can I ask you for a BIG favor...?
[23:21] thespaz92: deeepeeeends...?
[23:23] Alex~: don't ignore Sara dims for too long, and don't tell her I talked to you about it, please? >_> just calm down a lil and try to start over, please? for me?
[23:27] Alex~: <3>
Yeah. So, we'll see how well this turns out for her. But as for ME, I feel free. Like I'm flying or some shit. Life could not be any better, but with that said, it is becoming a lot more "fuzzier" than usual. I keep rethinking things over and who are my real friends and who aren't and such. I keep thinking where I'll be in 10 years and how my life would've turned out. I keep thinking about how things could've changed if I had just done that ONE thing.
It's all very confusing and my mind is sick of sorting through everything. I'm taking a break of deep thinking for a lil' bit. Tis not good for my mental state right now XD Hence whyyyy I cut things off with Sara. But she does she get that? No. Not at all. She can't POSSIBLY be able to see things from MY point of view. Not at all.
It's like she has a one track mind and if something different comes her way, she just barges through it as though it never happened and continues on that same track. There's no reasoning with a woman who can't see different sides to an argument. I mean, I've been accused of doing the exact same thing but at least I acknowledge that and I do try to see things in peoples' point of views. But sometimes, though, it just can't be done (i.e. politics, religion).
Just... sometimes I want to punch her in the throat, no joke. She just doesn't get ME. I KNOW friendships are important to her and I KNOW respecting each other is friggin' important too! For her to even THINK I don't understand that is just... hurtful and downright retarded. Clearly she doesn't know me as well as she THINKS she does.
I, Phylicia Johnson, have removed Sara from my life because I BELIEVE that this is better for me. In the long run of things, this is better for her as well. For one, she didn't have me blowing up in her face about all the bullshit she decided to throw at me. I am a meeeaaan fucker when angered and trust me, I was ANGERED. I was even close to going into the "Missile Mode" as some people call it where I just VENT on that person. I bring up every little thing that bothers me about them and throw it at their faces. I don't care if it's low or hurtful or it just DESTROYS the other person. At that moment in time, I just want them to hurt and I want them to cry.
But literally after a week or so, I'd regret it and I'd regret it for the rest of my life. I hate losing friendships when it's my fault and I've caused it. But if that's what happens, it happens. At that point, I don't deserve to be their friend so I let them go. But with Sara, I didn't want that to happen. I didn't WANT to hurt her and lose her trust forever. Her friendship is special to me whether she sees it or not and even though I've said I "don't want be friends with her right now", that doesn't mean I NEVER want to be her friend. It's just, I can't handle it right now and that it's safer for us to just not be friends. She doesn't see this, obviously and it "really hurt" and thinks "I don't respect myself and therefore doesn't respect her". Bull. That's all I gotta say.
You, Sara fucking Dinwiddie, DON'T know me as well as you think you do. I DO respect myself and a hell of a lot more than you respect YOURself. I don't even wanna HEAR how this is hurting you because, quite frankly, this isn't easy for me either despite what you may think. And as for me "running back to you" you don't have to worry about that because I won't be running back. I'll be walking back at a leisurely pace and if you accept that you were wrong and apologize, we'll be "friends" again. I know that I've done wrong by doing this, but it started with you and it should end with you. I just want you to realize that you have hurt me and I do want some sort of apology for it and in return I'll apologize for ending our friendship by "overreacting" (which I don't think I did).
So. Sound fair to you, darling?
~~The Fifi~~
April 5, 2010
The solution
[15:26] thespaz92: well since you're either not here or ignoring me I suppose I'll just tell you then. I was gonna do it after work but I wasn't sure if I'd be here sooo...
[15:27] thespaz92: um, we can't be friends right now.
[15:27] thespaz92: It's partly my fault for not realizing what I needed to do and just doing what I wanted to do.
[15:28] thespaz92: but it's also your fault for just... not getting it. I've told you before I hate it when you act like my mother and yet you continue to do so anyways. Plus, seeing you and just being around you hurts like a motherfucker.
[15:29] thespaz92: So I'd rather just cut ties with you until I can fully get a grasp on my feelings and shit. I'm sorry it had to turn out this way and that I'm telling you this kinda inproperly :/ As they say, shit happens.
[15:31] thespaz92: you can still IM if you want, I'm not gonna get rid of that. but you're not on my Facebook, nor my dA. I won't be talking to you in real life and I'll be basically avoiding you for the rest of the school year most likely.
[15:31] thespaz92: so, I suppose that's it. Have fun at work.
[Fast Forward a few days...]
[15:15] Sara Dim~: I thought you said you got rid of my FB and AIM and everything?
[15:15] thespaz92: ...are you online...? oh ok well no, I said I'd keep your AIM if wanted to talk things over or whatever.
[15:16] Sara Dim~: well, I would like to know why instead of just not speaking to me for a while we can't even be friends, but if you don't want to talk I'll stop.
[15:16] Sara Dim~: I also just wanted to tell you we're fostering again and we have a mama and two one week old kittens
[15:18] thespaz92: Sara, to be honest, for the rest of school year I'd just rather not be your friend. It's for personal reasons but I think it's best for me. I know it's selfish, but I figure I can afford to be selfish once in a while.
[15:18] Sara Dim~: alright thats fine
[15:18] Sara Dim~: I'll just stop talking then if it makes you feel better
[15:19] thespaz92: Yeah, I'd prefer that.
[15:27] thespaz92: um, we can't be friends right now.
[15:27] thespaz92: It's partly my fault for not realizing what I needed to do and just doing what I wanted to do.
[15:28] thespaz92: but it's also your fault for just... not getting it. I've told you before I hate it when you act like my mother and yet you continue to do so anyways. Plus, seeing you and just being around you hurts like a motherfucker.
[15:29] thespaz92: So I'd rather just cut ties with you until I can fully get a grasp on my feelings and shit. I'm sorry it had to turn out this way and that I'm telling you this kinda inproperly :/ As they say, shit happens.
[15:31] thespaz92: you can still IM if you want, I'm not gonna get rid of that. but you're not on my Facebook, nor my dA. I won't be talking to you in real life and I'll be basically avoiding you for the rest of the school year most likely.
[15:31] thespaz92: so, I suppose that's it. Have fun at work.
[Fast Forward a few days...]
[15:15] Sara Dim~: I thought you said you got rid of my FB and AIM and everything?
[15:15] thespaz92: ...are you online...? oh ok well no, I said I'd keep your AIM if wanted to talk things over or whatever.
[15:16] Sara Dim~: well, I would like to know why instead of just not speaking to me for a while we can't even be friends, but if you don't want to talk I'll stop.
[15:16] Sara Dim~: I also just wanted to tell you we're fostering again and we have a mama and two one week old kittens
[15:18] thespaz92: Sara, to be honest, for the rest of school year I'd just rather not be your friend. It's for personal reasons but I think it's best for me. I know it's selfish, but I figure I can afford to be selfish once in a while.
[15:18] Sara Dim~: alright thats fine
[15:18] Sara Dim~: I'll just stop talking then if it makes you feel better
[15:19] thespaz92: Yeah, I'd prefer that.
April 3, 2010
Yeah.
See how everything was fine right after we broke up? Well, it's not like that anymore. Sara still continues to "mother" me by going, "YOU SHOULD TRY HARDER" or "WHY AREN'T YOU DOING YOUR HW?!" and my favorite, "SORRY FOR HOPING YOU WOULD ACTUALLY DO WORK FOR SCHOOL."
I mean, WHAT. THE. FUCK.
I have exactly 4 mothers that I allow to say those things to me because 1) they're MOTHERS and HAVE kids of their own so they have the right to baby me around sometimes and 2) they're older than me and know better. YOU, Sara, just TURNED 17 and you THINK you can treat me like I'm fucking 5?! You are/were supposedly my FRIEND. I don't need you fucking saying those things to me all the time. It's not appropriate and I don't appreciate it. In fact, it HURTS every time you say those things because I already hear them from my OWN mother. Plus, I've told you BEFORE that I hate it when you do this and yet you still do it! I mean, do I NEED to get a neon sign that says, "Stop Talking" or something? Jesus fucking Christ...
So, for future reference, just shut the fuck up about things you claim to understand but clearly don't. And I advise you to stay the FUCK out of my life. Thanks.
~~The Fifi~~
I mean, WHAT. THE. FUCK.
I have exactly 4 mothers that I allow to say those things to me because 1) they're MOTHERS and HAVE kids of their own so they have the right to baby me around sometimes and 2) they're older than me and know better. YOU, Sara, just TURNED 17 and you THINK you can treat me like I'm fucking 5?! You are/were supposedly my FRIEND. I don't need you fucking saying those things to me all the time. It's not appropriate and I don't appreciate it. In fact, it HURTS every time you say those things because I already hear them from my OWN mother. Plus, I've told you BEFORE that I hate it when you do this and yet you still do it! I mean, do I NEED to get a neon sign that says, "Stop Talking" or something? Jesus fucking Christ...
So, for future reference, just shut the fuck up about things you claim to understand but clearly don't. And I advise you to stay the FUCK out of my life. Thanks.
~~The Fifi~~
The Morning After
[11:19] Sara Dim~: good morning
[11:20] thespaz92: okok so I know I said I probaby wouldn't be talking to you for like, ever but, uh... I really wanted to talk to you and I just wanted to say that even know this sucks, I support your decision 100%
[11:20] thespaz92: and g'morning :3
[11:21] Sara Dim~: what made you support my decision? and I'm glad you aren't waiting a week to talk to me
[11:21] Sara Dim~: that would suck horribly D:
[11:22] thespaz92: um well, I was thinking about this all last night and this morning and um... I can't be away from you x__x I'm really, really weak and UGH I hate crying... Jesus my fam's gonna think something's up.
[11:23] thespaz92: plus I want you to be happy ;o
[11:24] Sara Dim~: well hey, as much as I hate hearing that you were crying, you gotta understand that crying helps people get over problems. if I couldn't cry, I would have anger management problems from the buildup o_o
[11:24] thespaz92: oh heeyyyy...
[11:25] thespaz92: I suppose that's why I'm such a retard case then. I don't cry often or really at all.
[11:25] Sara Dim~: you're NOT a retard case, but crying DOES help. :3
[11:25] Sara Dim~: and for me at least I've found taking walks helps
[11:26] thespaz92: well it was cold and raining last night so I couldnt take a walk D: and I'm planning on seeing Liz today sooo...
[11:27] Sara Dim~: well thats good, seeing other people helps
[11:27] thespaz92: um I also wanted to tell you that depsite me being ok about this, I still like you andandand I don't want this to be awkward...er...
[11:27] Sara Dim~: people you're close to, rather.
[11:27] Sara Dim~: what, you mean us still being around eachother being awkward?
[11:28] thespaz92: to be honest, I don't think I can around you just yet. but talking, yes.
[11:29] Sara Dim~: ok, well, whenever you are ready, I'm not gonna lie, I'm the least awkward person to be around after breakups. o_o I mean, unless something horribly dramatic happened (I mean HORRIBLY dramatic, like, if we broke up and you went out driving and crashed and came back to school with something broken, that horrible) I tend to be able to act normal, even if inside it feels weird at first.
[11:30] thespaz92: I'm... different, as you know. so it'll be a while before I'm fully up to speed about this.
[11:30] Sara Dim~: that's ok. =/ inside I'll be the same way, but I'm good at acting different than I feel. I pretty much do that every day.
[11:31] thespaz92: I try to but this big for me so though I'll wear a smile to other people, I'll act a little differently.
[11:32] Sara Dim~: that makes sense. you told me that before, so as much as I don't like it, I at least know about it.
[11:33] thespaz92: oh and I can't be touchy with you, can I? :/
[11:34] Sara Dim~: what do you mean touchy?
[11:34] thespaz92: not like groping but hugging :c
[11:35] Sara Dim~: well I'm still not normally a hug person, but every now and then yea. I let general people hug me now and then so yea.
[11:36] thespaz92: *nodnod* ok, just making sure.
[11:38] thespaz92: so how about, a year ago if this had happened, I would've totally removed myself from you... o_o;
[11:39] thespaz92: and you're creeping on FB again lol
[11:39] Sara Dim~: that... would've sucked even more horribly than this does. =/ and I know I kind of have no other reason to be on the comp than talking to ppl
[11:41] thespaz92: well I was a bit more emotional unstable than I am now, surprisingly. In fact, I was considering doing that now but I decided against it... idk why I'm telling you this, ignore me :/
[11:41] Sara Dim~: I'm not gonna ignore you cause I want to hear what you have to say
[11:43] thespaz92: there's no reason for me to mention it, that's the thing. It's like I want you to feel... lucky, maybe? I dunno, it's not worth it .__.;
[11:44] Sara Dim~: if it means anything, I do feel lucky. that I got to go out with you, that we were happy, and that you're still talking to me.
[11:44] Sara Dim~: and that you don't hate me
[11:45] thespaz92: I don't think I'm capable of hating you. I just want you--us--to be happy again. *takes deep breath* this is harder than I thought it would be XD
[11:46] Sara Dim~: thats ok I'm glad you're telling me cause last night when you got offline I thought you were just gonna ignore me for a week or two then barely speak to me, which would've been really bad D:
[11:47] Sara Dim~: and we can definitely be happy again as friends, just like we were before I think. I mean, not just talking in school and stuff, I think we can fully come back to how things were, hanging out a lot and stuff.
[11:47] thespaz92: I was seriously thinking about it :/ I was also thinking of deleting you as my friend on FB so I wouldn't have to see you posting everywhere. plus blocking your AIM and deleteing every post of your's on my wall...
[11:47] thespaz92: I really, really hope so DX I miss that. I really do.
[11:47] thespaz92: *deleting
[11:47] thespaz92: actually, I forgot I deleted Vegas from my messages...
[11:48] Sara Dim~: ohh that would have been really bad D: if you did that, just so you know all that deleting stuff, I would likely have stopped talking to you until you fixed it. =/ cause that would've made me mad. but I'm really happy you didn't. cause I dont want to be mad. D:
[11:49] thespaz92: I don't think you can undelete posts o_o just puttin' that out there.
[11:50] Sara Dim~: I know but I mean re-friend me on FB and re-add my AIM and go back to normal for the most part
[11:51] thespaz92: oooh, that. yeah... you would've had to wait a month <_< I had this all planned out but like, it would've killed me to do so. So I didn't and I'm glad I didn't.
[11:52] Sara Dim~: I'm glad you didn't too.
[11:52] Sara Dim~: I was almost expecting you to, but that you didn't is good.
[11:52] Sara Dim~: I dont want to not talk to you because of this.
[11:53] thespaz92: yeah, I figured DX
[11:58] thespaz92: I have Lady Gaga on repeat...
[11:58] Sara Dim~: lol wow. telephone?
[11:58] thespaz92: SO SUE ME
[11:58] thespaz92: yeah D:
[11:59] thespaz92: it's so... catchy.
[11:59] thespaz92: it's like a freakin' gateway drug.
[12:00] Sara Dim~: lol!
[12:00] Sara Dim~: its alright
[12:00] thespaz92: I LEFT ME HEAD AND MY HEART ON THE DANCE FLOOOORR
[12:00] Sara Dim~: I like paper gangsta better
[12:00] thespaz92: ew <_<
[12:01] Sara Dim~: sry its an interesting mix to me
[12:01] thespaz92: ewww D: is it a gateway drug for you too?
[12:02] Sara Dim~: naw
[12:02] Sara Dim~: post blue by placebo is a gateway drug
[12:02] Sara Dim~: want me to send you a link?
[12:02] thespaz92: depends ._. how good of a song is it?
[12:03] Sara Dim~: I love it
[12:03] Sara Dim~: lol
[12:03] Sara Dim~: that means nothing to you know
[12:03] Sara Dim~: let me just link you
[12:03] Sara Dim~: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rFmYolKP2tg
[12:04] Sara Dim~: ah I gtg
[12:04] Sara Dim~: sry I will be back later though
[12:04] thespaz92: ok :o
[12:04] thespaz92: seeya then~
[12:04] Sara Dim~: bye! hope you keep yr decision not to ignore me forever! :3
[11:20] thespaz92: okok so I know I said I probaby wouldn't be talking to you for like, ever but, uh... I really wanted to talk to you and I just wanted to say that even know this sucks, I support your decision 100%
[11:20] thespaz92: and g'morning :3
[11:21] Sara Dim~: what made you support my decision? and I'm glad you aren't waiting a week to talk to me
[11:21] Sara Dim~: that would suck horribly D:
[11:22] thespaz92: um well, I was thinking about this all last night and this morning and um... I can't be away from you x__x I'm really, really weak and UGH I hate crying... Jesus my fam's gonna think something's up.
[11:23] thespaz92: plus I want you to be happy ;o
[11:24] Sara Dim~: well hey, as much as I hate hearing that you were crying, you gotta understand that crying helps people get over problems. if I couldn't cry, I would have anger management problems from the buildup o_o
[11:24] thespaz92: oh heeyyyy...
[11:25] thespaz92: I suppose that's why I'm such a retard case then. I don't cry often or really at all.
[11:25] Sara Dim~: you're NOT a retard case, but crying DOES help. :3
[11:25] Sara Dim~: and for me at least I've found taking walks helps
[11:26] thespaz92: well it was cold and raining last night so I couldnt take a walk D: and I'm planning on seeing Liz today sooo...
[11:27] Sara Dim~: well thats good, seeing other people helps
[11:27] thespaz92: um I also wanted to tell you that depsite me being ok about this, I still like you andandand I don't want this to be awkward...er...
[11:27] Sara Dim~: people you're close to, rather.
[11:27] Sara Dim~: what, you mean us still being around eachother being awkward?
[11:28] thespaz92: to be honest, I don't think I can around you just yet. but talking, yes.
[11:29] Sara Dim~: ok, well, whenever you are ready, I'm not gonna lie, I'm the least awkward person to be around after breakups. o_o I mean, unless something horribly dramatic happened (I mean HORRIBLY dramatic, like, if we broke up and you went out driving and crashed and came back to school with something broken, that horrible) I tend to be able to act normal, even if inside it feels weird at first.
[11:30] thespaz92: I'm... different, as you know. so it'll be a while before I'm fully up to speed about this.
[11:30] Sara Dim~: that's ok. =/ inside I'll be the same way, but I'm good at acting different than I feel. I pretty much do that every day.
[11:31] thespaz92: I try to but this big for me so though I'll wear a smile to other people, I'll act a little differently.
[11:32] Sara Dim~: that makes sense. you told me that before, so as much as I don't like it, I at least know about it.
[11:33] thespaz92: oh and I can't be touchy with you, can I? :/
[11:34] Sara Dim~: what do you mean touchy?
[11:34] thespaz92: not like groping but hugging :c
[11:35] Sara Dim~: well I'm still not normally a hug person, but every now and then yea. I let general people hug me now and then so yea.
[11:36] thespaz92: *nodnod* ok, just making sure.
[11:38] thespaz92: so how about, a year ago if this had happened, I would've totally removed myself from you... o_o;
[11:39] thespaz92: and you're creeping on FB again lol
[11:39] Sara Dim~: that... would've sucked even more horribly than this does. =/ and I know I kind of have no other reason to be on the comp than talking to ppl
[11:41] thespaz92: well I was a bit more emotional unstable than I am now, surprisingly. In fact, I was considering doing that now but I decided against it... idk why I'm telling you this, ignore me :/
[11:41] Sara Dim~: I'm not gonna ignore you cause I want to hear what you have to say
[11:43] thespaz92: there's no reason for me to mention it, that's the thing. It's like I want you to feel... lucky, maybe? I dunno, it's not worth it .__.;
[11:44] Sara Dim~: if it means anything, I do feel lucky. that I got to go out with you, that we were happy, and that you're still talking to me.
[11:44] Sara Dim~: and that you don't hate me
[11:45] thespaz92: I don't think I'm capable of hating you. I just want you--us--to be happy again. *takes deep breath* this is harder than I thought it would be XD
[11:46] Sara Dim~: thats ok I'm glad you're telling me cause last night when you got offline I thought you were just gonna ignore me for a week or two then barely speak to me, which would've been really bad D:
[11:47] Sara Dim~: and we can definitely be happy again as friends, just like we were before I think. I mean, not just talking in school and stuff, I think we can fully come back to how things were, hanging out a lot and stuff.
[11:47] thespaz92: I was seriously thinking about it :/ I was also thinking of deleting you as my friend on FB so I wouldn't have to see you posting everywhere. plus blocking your AIM and deleteing every post of your's on my wall...
[11:47] thespaz92: I really, really hope so DX I miss that. I really do.
[11:47] thespaz92: *deleting
[11:47] thespaz92: actually, I forgot I deleted Vegas from my messages...
[11:48] Sara Dim~: ohh that would have been really bad D: if you did that, just so you know all that deleting stuff, I would likely have stopped talking to you until you fixed it. =/ cause that would've made me mad. but I'm really happy you didn't. cause I dont want to be mad. D:
[11:49] thespaz92: I don't think you can undelete posts o_o just puttin' that out there.
[11:50] Sara Dim~: I know but I mean re-friend me on FB and re-add my AIM and go back to normal for the most part
[11:51] thespaz92: oooh, that. yeah... you would've had to wait a month <_< I had this all planned out but like, it would've killed me to do so. So I didn't and I'm glad I didn't.
[11:52] Sara Dim~: I'm glad you didn't too.
[11:52] Sara Dim~: I was almost expecting you to, but that you didn't is good.
[11:52] Sara Dim~: I dont want to not talk to you because of this.
[11:53] thespaz92: yeah, I figured DX
[11:58] thespaz92: I have Lady Gaga on repeat...
[11:58] Sara Dim~: lol wow. telephone?
[11:58] thespaz92: SO SUE ME
[11:58] thespaz92: yeah D:
[11:59] thespaz92: it's so... catchy.
[11:59] thespaz92: it's like a freakin' gateway drug.
[12:00] Sara Dim~: lol!
[12:00] Sara Dim~: its alright
[12:00] thespaz92: I LEFT ME HEAD AND MY HEART ON THE DANCE FLOOOORR
[12:00] Sara Dim~: I like paper gangsta better
[12:00] thespaz92: ew <_<
[12:01] Sara Dim~: sry its an interesting mix to me
[12:01] thespaz92: ewww D: is it a gateway drug for you too?
[12:02] Sara Dim~: naw
[12:02] Sara Dim~: post blue by placebo is a gateway drug
[12:02] Sara Dim~: want me to send you a link?
[12:02] thespaz92: depends ._. how good of a song is it?
[12:03] Sara Dim~: I love it
[12:03] Sara Dim~: lol
[12:03] Sara Dim~: that means nothing to you know
[12:03] Sara Dim~: let me just link you
[12:03] Sara Dim~: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rFmYolKP2tg
[12:04] Sara Dim~: ah I gtg
[12:04] Sara Dim~: sry I will be back later though
[12:04] thespaz92: ok :o
[12:04] thespaz92: seeya then~
[12:04] Sara Dim~: bye! hope you keep yr decision not to ignore me forever! :3
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