So my sister has decided to invite people over for a Zelda party or whatever. Out of all her friends only two of them are truly as obsessed with Zelda as she is: Dim and Bekah. And both of them came over.
Now, I don't know if this is just ME or anything, am I wrong in thinking Dim should NOT be allowed over our house? I mean, she knows I don't like her and she obviously knows I live here. So why does she come over? This is the third time it's happened and quite frankly, I'm sick of seeing her around. I don't like her, she doesn't like me, so why bother? Sure, she can be friends with my sister, who cares? But that doesn't mean she can just come over here whenever the fuck she feels like it :l Ridiculous. She isn't respecting me when she comes over our house. I don't want to see her, she KNOWS this yet she continues to come over.
I mean, would YOU go over an ex's house just to hang out with their sibling knowing FULL WELL you'd SEE YOUR EX? No, I didn't think so :l
But yeah. Whatever. I'm over it now. I'm letting Smeag (who is sleeping over) hang out with her because I don't want to be a giant snob in front of her and because I want to show her that I'm gonna be the bigger man (woman in this case) here and not fucking care.
On the upside, she's not sleeping over. But on the downside, she's staying here til 11:30 PM. It's like... UGH.
~~The FiFi~~
[P.S.] As I said before, I need to start planning mah birfday party. I know it's gonna be big and I know it's gonna be loud. I need to figure out a location, a date, an activity, a guest list, and what to friggin' feed my fatass friends. I was thinking of inviting Dim just to be polite and that I don't COMPLETELY hate her, but I know a couple of my other friends do (which makes me happy, strangely 8D). So, yeah. Imma go talk to Liz sometime and see what our giant brains can come up with. It's gonna kickass, that's all I know :P
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Now playing: Train - Calling All Angels
via FoxyTunes
June 30, 2010
June 29, 2010
Tired and lost.
I feel so confused about my life right now. It's like... FUCK. Why can't it be OVER already? Oh, that's right, I'm not suicidal, that's why :l I just wish things would magically work out between me and Dim, me and Smeag, etc. without me actually talking to them.
Yeah, the thing with Smeag is a bit retarded. I'm too tired to talk about it now, but it's on my mind. Along with college, my online chem (because I failed first semester of it), and my financial crisis (aka I NEED A JOB).
Life sucks lol
~~The FiFi~~
[P.S.] I NEED TO START PLANNING MY AWESOME BIRFDAY PARTEH. CHRIST ON A POGO STICK.
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Now playing: Pink - Glitter in the Air
via FoxyTunes
Yeah, the thing with Smeag is a bit retarded. I'm too tired to talk about it now, but it's on my mind. Along with college, my online chem (because I failed first semester of it), and my financial crisis (aka I NEED A JOB).
Life sucks lol
~~The FiFi~~
[P.S.] I NEED TO START PLANNING MY AWESOME BIRFDAY PARTEH. CHRIST ON A POGO STICK.
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Now playing: Pink - Glitter in the Air
via FoxyTunes
Everything was simpler back then...
So. Shit has happened, yet AGAIN. SO, lemme just start from the beginning.
After I had ended things with Dim, a mere two weeks passed by before she start threatening me by saying she's "either gonna ignore me forever or tell me to go to Hell" which is her of saying if I don't talk to her soon, our future would be reduced to nothing. Upon hearing this, I IM'ed her and said we could try to be friends again. After a nasty little talk about everything that had happened, she agreed too and left it at that. So at school we'd say hi to each other and occasionally she'd IM on AIM about random shit. Sounds all great, right?
Wrong.
I kept hearing things from Ty about how she would purposely get Ty angry/jealous at her because she'd would be all over his gf, Smeag. Then I heard the same thing from Matt, how she'd separate Matt and her bf, Binks. Just after seeing it for myself and hearing it a million times, I just got so pissed and annoyed at her. I mean, I KNEW how Ty and Matt were feeling. I've personally felt it and it upset me how she didn't realize how immature she was acting and it would affect me. (On a side note: Dim's really not good on picking up on people's emotions and stuff. So, in other words, she's kinda thick headed) SO one day during my 1-2 mod, I just told her to shut the fuck up because she had said something rude or... whatever. So I emailed her, saying we had to talk about us and what happened. Well, what ACTUALLY happened is that I just blew up at her and was just saying mean things at her just because I could. I was hurting, I was pissed, I was confused, I was frustrated, and more importantly, I was so ANGRY. At myself, at Dim, at EVERYTHING. Stuff was just... not going the way I wanted it to go. But, later, after rethinking everything, I realized it wasn't just about what Dim has done/was doing, but about what happened before this. Our break up. I was still hurt by that and just never realized it. I was hurt because I had changed for her, I had given up a piece of myself for her and she didn't see that; she didn't care. We had to hide our relationship because she was SCARED. Scared of our friends' reactions. Scared of what everyone would think.
I realize now, it's not just because she's a "private" person, she's a fucking coward. She had told me (during our break up) that she had wanted to tell people about us back in Feb. Well, our break up happened in MARCH. So, what the FUCK Sara? Couldn't BOTHER to tell me THEN?! The whole reason I had been feeling depressed during those months we were together was because I couldn't share with my friends that I was dating someone I had liked for YEARS now. I couldn't fucking tell anyone, but I did anyways. I told my close friends and a couple others found out. Now that we've broken up, I've taken it upon myself to tell everyone what happened, that we were dating then broke up, and my feelings on everything. So now some of my friends know and I'm finally starting to move past it.
And on TOP of that, I can't get over that me and her were dating. Like, I can't look at her without thinking, "Why isn't she hugging me/holding my hand?" and then I remember, "Oh, that's right. We aren't going out." And it's hard to just go from girlfriend to friend. It's difficult. And Sara had the audacity to tell me to just "get over it" during our little chit chat. Though she didn't realize it then (and probably now) is that she had simply and RUDELY told me to just get over her. As though it was nothing important. As though our entire relationship was just a phase and nothing more.
Whether she realizes it or not, our relationship meant a whole lot more to me than it meant to her. I took it seriously and I gave it my all and I got in return was... well, this. A heart break. She just acts like nothing ever happened, as though I had meant nothing to her. It... sucks. It's WRONG. It's NOT TRUE. I know I meant something to her or else why would we have done all those things together? I mean, it could be just a MASK or whatever, to hide her true feelings but still... I told her I was hurting after the break up and that I still liked her. She basically told me, "I know and I'm sorry this had to happen, but it's for the best." She never once told me she was hurting, never once mentioned how hard it was not to imagine us together, never ONCE told me ANYTHING. Just... fuck, I didn't want it to turn out this way, I never MEANT for any of this to happen. I never meant for us to go out, I never meant for us to break up, never meant for us to dislike each other so much. But, as someone once said:
Shit Happens.
~~The FiFi~~
After I had ended things with Dim, a mere two weeks passed by before she start threatening me by saying she's "either gonna ignore me forever or tell me to go to Hell" which is her of saying if I don't talk to her soon, our future would be reduced to nothing. Upon hearing this, I IM'ed her and said we could try to be friends again. After a nasty little talk about everything that had happened, she agreed too and left it at that. So at school we'd say hi to each other and occasionally she'd IM on AIM about random shit. Sounds all great, right?
Wrong.
I kept hearing things from Ty about how she would purposely get Ty angry/jealous at her because she'd would be all over his gf, Smeag. Then I heard the same thing from Matt, how she'd separate Matt and her bf, Binks. Just after seeing it for myself and hearing it a million times, I just got so pissed and annoyed at her. I mean, I KNEW how Ty and Matt were feeling. I've personally felt it and it upset me how she didn't realize how immature she was acting and it would affect me. (On a side note: Dim's really not good on picking up on people's emotions and stuff. So, in other words, she's kinda thick headed) SO one day during my 1-2 mod, I just told her to shut the fuck up because she had said something rude or... whatever. So I emailed her, saying we had to talk about us and what happened. Well, what ACTUALLY happened is that I just blew up at her and was just saying mean things at her just because I could. I was hurting, I was pissed, I was confused, I was frustrated, and more importantly, I was so ANGRY. At myself, at Dim, at EVERYTHING. Stuff was just... not going the way I wanted it to go. But, later, after rethinking everything, I realized it wasn't just about what Dim has done/was doing, but about what happened before this. Our break up. I was still hurt by that and just never realized it. I was hurt because I had changed for her, I had given up a piece of myself for her and she didn't see that; she didn't care. We had to hide our relationship because she was SCARED. Scared of our friends' reactions. Scared of what everyone would think.
I realize now, it's not just because she's a "private" person, she's a fucking coward. She had told me (during our break up) that she had wanted to tell people about us back in Feb. Well, our break up happened in MARCH. So, what the FUCK Sara? Couldn't BOTHER to tell me THEN?! The whole reason I had been feeling depressed during those months we were together was because I couldn't share with my friends that I was dating someone I had liked for YEARS now. I couldn't fucking tell anyone, but I did anyways. I told my close friends and a couple others found out. Now that we've broken up, I've taken it upon myself to tell everyone what happened, that we were dating then broke up, and my feelings on everything. So now some of my friends know and I'm finally starting to move past it.
And on TOP of that, I can't get over that me and her were dating. Like, I can't look at her without thinking, "Why isn't she hugging me/holding my hand?" and then I remember, "Oh, that's right. We aren't going out." And it's hard to just go from girlfriend to friend. It's difficult. And Sara had the audacity to tell me to just "get over it" during our little chit chat. Though she didn't realize it then (and probably now) is that she had simply and RUDELY told me to just get over her. As though it was nothing important. As though our entire relationship was just a phase and nothing more.
Whether she realizes it or not, our relationship meant a whole lot more to me than it meant to her. I took it seriously and I gave it my all and I got in return was... well, this. A heart break. She just acts like nothing ever happened, as though I had meant nothing to her. It... sucks. It's WRONG. It's NOT TRUE. I know I meant something to her or else why would we have done all those things together? I mean, it could be just a MASK or whatever, to hide her true feelings but still... I told her I was hurting after the break up and that I still liked her. She basically told me, "I know and I'm sorry this had to happen, but it's for the best." She never once told me she was hurting, never once mentioned how hard it was not to imagine us together, never ONCE told me ANYTHING. Just... fuck, I didn't want it to turn out this way, I never MEANT for any of this to happen. I never meant for us to go out, I never meant for us to break up, never meant for us to dislike each other so much. But, as someone once said:
Shit Happens.
~~The FiFi~~
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