[20:24] thespaz92: can I ask you a serious question? it's been bugging me for a while...
[20:25] Sara/Edward~: of course
[20:25] Sara/Edward~: go for it?
[20:25] Sara/Edward~: *.
[20:25] Sara/Edward~: idk why that was a question
[20:25] thespaz92: um... ok, maybe I should've said questions but here it goes:
[20:26] thespaz92: how important is our relationship to you?
[20:27] Sara/Edward~: o_o where is this coming from?
[20:27] thespaz92: just answer eeet. it has to do with my second question :c
[20:28] Sara/Edward~: ok... well our relationship is definitely important to me. I really like you. but really, where is this coming from? you're worrying me
[20:29] thespaz92: ok and... do you want us to go farther in our relationship?
[20:30] Sara/Edward~: I'm gonna be honest... I want to go farther, but I dont know if we really can. =/
[20:31] thespaz92: and why is that?
[20:32] Sara/Edward~: because we're two very different people, and for a while everything was running smoothly and now we're having arguments almost every time we talk. we see things differently and think differently and it seems to be causing problems. D:
[20:32] thespaz92: yeah I know... :/
[20:32] Sara/Edward~: is that why you asked?
[20:33] Sara/Edward~: were you thinking the same thing?
[20:33] thespaz92: well yes and also because...
[20:34] thespaz92: if you really wanted us to continue dating and if this is something really important to you, we need to tell people. Lyssa told me we should've told people a long time ago, but I said you weren't ready for that and then she asks if you were ready for it now. I told her probably not, but like...
[20:35] thespaz92: I physically cannot keep hiding around like this. It's like I'm keeping a part of me hidden and it hurts. I want to share my happiness with people because this is important to me. Very much so.
[20:37] thespaz92: and I know we've talked about this before so I was hesitant to even bring it up x____x
[20:40] Sara/Edward~: Fifi... I know its really important to you, and I know you really want to tell people, but.. I'm very weak and very private. even when I went out with PJ, I didn't like people knowing. I just dont think it's other people's business. its who I am. and I know it means a lot to you, and I care a lot about making you happy and I wish I could do this for you but its not who I am.
[20:40] Sara/Edward~: this is just one of those things we are polar opposites on, and I can't change that =/
[20:40] Sara/Edward~: I'm sorry I make you mad/sad/upset
[20:40] Sara/Edward~: I'm sorry I really really am.
[20:41] thespaz92: So we wouldn't be able to EVER tell people? At all?
[20:41] Sara/Edward~: thats not what I said... its just... we've been arguing so much it makes me uneasy. if things were running as smoothly as they were at first, I'd be all for it... but something as simple as having a casual conversation is even difficult for us now.
[20:42] Sara/Edward~: at first I didn't want to tell people because I wanted to test the waters, see if we could do this, and then I wanted to tell people cause we were doing so well, and then things went downhill steadily... and it just doesn't seem right.
[20:44] thespaz92: Yeah...
[20:46] thespaz92: it's not like fighting is unusual for couples. I really don't have an excuse as to why this is happening except that I hate, really hate talking about grades and my future. It just... isn't a good topic for me. And I know you're worried and I know you care but it's like... I don't need it. I have my mom for that and she says those things to me 24/7 and I didn't want to hear them from you :/
[20:46] thespaz92: I don't want to let you down and when you said I wasn't trying, well...
[20:48] Sara/Edward~: I know what you mean about that. it may not seem like it, it may seem like I'm some second mother sent from hell to torture you, but I know what you mean. I've had more restless nights full of depression and crying because of my mother and brother talking bad about my grades than I think you could even understand. I dont tell people, but its true. to be completely and one hundred percent honest, I tell you things like that I feel like you aren't trying because of two things.
[20:51] Sara/Edward~: one, I dont want to see you do badly. I want to see you do something great with yourself. I know you can, I know it's in you. and two, I've been hurt so much because of my grades... I mean, grades have become half of what my lief is because of how absolutely dead my mother makes me feel when she scolds me for my grades. I have been suicidal before. and to see someone I care about getting warnings from their parents and not taking it seriously, seeing that you don't have to deal with it so much (or at least you dont take your groundings and stuff seriously) makes me go "why the HECK do they get off so easily when i've been tortured so much about my own grades?" and it just makes me so mad... I'm sorry if my own experience has caused me to make you upset like that, which i know they have... it's just how I'm programmed.
[20:55] thespaz92: well, I'd rather avoid the subject completely then. I'm hard-wired to be careless and lazy, and it's not something I can change easily. I like making you happy, hun :/ I'm sorry if I have let you down. I know I'm far from perfect; I'm paranoid, jealous, and all around just... cruel and I don't mean to be, I just am and I want you to know that despite everything, despite out differences, I really want you, Sara. I don't want to give you up unless something so terrible happens that I can't be with you anymore. If that seems forward, I'm sorry, it's just... how I feel.
[20:57] thespaz92: And I have a problem with not sharing my feelings with people often so I'm sorry for that as well. It's not like I don't trust you or anything it's just I don't feel like my emotions are worth anything to be mentioned. I'm emotional so it's like I have too many feelings to list and I just don't bother.
[20:59] thespaz92: *our differences
[21:00] Sara/Edward~: i'm not gonna lie this makes me want to cry. i don't want to hurt you, i don't want to at all, but it just hurts me to keep doing this. I just don't know how we can make this work.
[21:01] thespaz92: Please don't cry, please D: They say patience is key...
[21:05] Sara/Edward~: Fifi... I'm a private person. I dont like telling people my business. I seek refuge in being alone or swinging or walking. you're an open person and like to be outgoing and around people. I like to listen to my music a lot because it puts me in my own little world where I can ignore everything horrible and whenever I want to listen to music you get unhappy with me. when I want to do school work or take a nap, you want to hang out or go somewhere.
[21:05] Sara/Edward~: we're in constant confliction and it causes constant problems. even when you just get mad cause I'm listening to music, i feel horrible and mad because I dont understand how doing something so innocent is so bad. it doesn't make sense to me.
[21:06] Sara/Edward~: we just dont see eye to eye a lot of the time, and it makes me want to cry it does and I'm trying not to but its very difficult to say the things i've been thinking
[21:09] thespaz92: I know, it's difficult for me too... and I don't get mad if you listen to music or want to do homework, I just get frustrated because I seem so clingy and I hate being clingy. I try not to be but it's so hard sometimes because I love being near you and just touching you occasionally. Yes, I'm a social person and I love sharing things, but I can't share everything with everybody and I can't hang out with people all the time. I need alone time too, but not a lot of it.
[21:11] thespaz92: and I know we don't agree with things and we have different tastes, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I mean, sure, I'd love it if you could somehow find a way to love Muse like I do, but I mean... what can you do? Most couples are opposites. Looks at your parents for example. They seem totally different to me and my parents are complete opposites.
[21:11] thespaz92: Sure we fight and don't see eye to eye sometimes, but does that mean we can't work things out?
[21:22] Sara/Edward~: ... Fifi, please don't make me feel worse about this, I already feel awful, I'm near tears here. I care about you a lot but I honestly don't feel like it's working and I'm unhappy more than I'm happy and I know you are, too. I know you want this to work, and I really really tried, but I just feel like it's not going the way I or you had hoped and it's better to be friends, for the both of us, even if it doesn't feel like it to you right now. I'm so sorry that I can't say I feel the same way as you about this anymore.
[21:24] thespaz92: So... this is it then?
[21:26] Sara/Edward~: I guess so... I mean, i still really care about you, but I think this is the only way it can be.
[21:27] thespaz92: If this is what you want, Sara.
[21:28] Sara/Edward~: when will you see I have no idea what I want? =/ this is just what I think is best for us.
[21:30] thespaz92: I don't want to force you to do something you don't want to do so if this is what you want, what you truly think is best then alright. We won't be together anymore then.
[21:33] Sara/Edward~: (sry I'm taking forever to reply Sammi is complaining a lot and its difficult to make her shut up on the phone and talk without saying something stupid on AIM at the same time D: )
[21:34] Sara/Edward~: I dont know what to think, but I know that's how I feel.
[21:34] Sara/Edward~: I'm sorry.
[21:35] thespaz92: Yeah, I'm not gonna lie and say it's fine. It's not, but... what else can I do? Um, don't expect me to be talking to you or anything for a week or so. Nothing personal just.... :/
[21:35] thespaz92: And I have to "divorce" you on FB.
[21:37] Sara/Edward~: that's understandable. =/ I know that's how you cope. I've gone months with people ignoring me so its ok if it'll help us get back to being good friends still.
[21:38] thespaz92: Yeah so... if that's all then, I'll just go to bed then...
March 26, 2010
March 21, 2010
I'm such a Goddamn pussy
Not even lying to you. In the past month or so, I've had an urge to cry like a million times and a couple of times I actually DID cry. Why? Because I obviously have zero self control. Crying is for weak people and I am not weak :l I was a cry baby in the past and I have no urge to be one again. I mean, fucking get a GRIP, Phylicia!
Christ. I never used to be this emotional until I started dating Sara. A sign? Maybe. But I don't wanna think about that until I can be sure. Ugh.
Alex says I should talk to her about my feelings and my thoughts. Well, I would LOVE to if I wasn't such an emotional retard. All the time. I'm either happy or I'm wicked depressed. I'm like frickin' Tiffs (some bipolar bitch at out school) only I realize I have a problem. And this shit needs to be controlled NOW. I can't expect Sara to put up with it for much longer. Plus, during musical, frickin' Hobo and Matt did nothing but make it worse. In a time when I really wanted to hang out with Sara, I COULDN'T because either Matt stole her for some fucking problem she has/had or because Hobo wanted to talk to her about something. I mean... fuck. Am I really not fun to be around anymore? Does she not want to spend time with me or something? I get why since I'm been sullen and quiet for about a month but that's not her fault, it's mine. For frickin' caring about shit I don't NEED to care about. Like her hanging out with her friends. I shouldn't care that she blew me off Friday to hang out with Naomi even when I told her I had to tell her something that night. I realize now Naomi takes fucking priority over everyone so... why do I feel so rejected and hurt? It shouldn't even MATTER. So fucking ridiculous.
Plus, I just found out Sara doesn't get "amused" easily unless she's basically listening to music, talking with certain people on AIM, or Hobo. When I saw that she had a lot of fun hanging out with Hobo I got... depressed. Like she doesn't have fun talking or hanging out with me or something. And, Christ, it's not like that at ALL. I know she didn't mean it that way, but like... I still had that feeling that she'd be better off with him. That way she wouldn't have to hide their relationship because he's male and she's just have an all around blast being with him.
Only she turned him down last year then decided to go out with me. So. I suppose that says something, but that didn't stop me from thinking that. I think the reason I DID think that is because we still haven't told people that we're dating. And it's been... what? 5 months? 4 months? I mean, you'd think that by NOW we would've told people, but noooo. Sara's scared of how the Tards might react to finding out.
WHO THE FUCK CARES?! I mean, if this is something she cares about and if this is something she really fucking wants, don't you think she'd take the risk of telling people? It brings up the question whether or not she really DOES want our relationship to continue. Or...
Or maybe she doesn't want people to think she's gay? Or is dating a girl, let alone ME?
I don't think she realizes how much this is hurting me. I believe I've told her before how keeping our relationship a secret was killing me but her response was, "I'm sorry."
Like... UGH. I know you're fucking sorry now fucking DO something about it! I can't be the only one GIVING in this relationship! So far it's been ME initiating every thing we do (ex. holding hands, kissing, hugging, simple touching). But I mean... I need to know if she feels the same way about me. I know this is her first time, but she's NOT stupid so I think she'd be able to catch on by now.
Apparently not. And I'm slowly realizing what it means to go out with her. Patience is key, but how long can I wait before I finally snap?
And that, all up there, is shit I shouldn't even be thinking about. She'd tell me if she wanted to tell people about us and that wouldn't be until she's READY. I shouldn't want to rush things or force her to do stuff she's not comfortable with. Like I said before, this is why first relationship with a girl so it SHOULD be slow and steady.
{But this is just too fucking slow.}
jfdsialmhvtui;gv ia][,tu9peav gavemjimoh ubmo
I'm so useless. I can't even go a day without feeling so self conscious about all this. I'm so fucking weak and stupid. She deserves better than this, I know it. Plus, I found out I was HURTING her unintentionally by being my fucking self. Like, how can she STAND me? I'm such a useless fucking bitch. I'm surprised she's even still WITH me and my emotional sap. I keep thinking I should tell her this, but I keep delaying. That somehow by telling her this she'll just be all, "I'm sorry" and that's that. Like that's suppose to SOLVE things. I know I have to bring this up to her, but it makes me feel fucking retarded for even bringing it up. Like I'm a fucking wuss or something. I mean, I bet she hasn't cried this much in the past MONTH. So why am I? I can't even remember a fun conversation between us. It's always been either boring or serious or just... nothing. I feel like I'm this cause for this and I probably am. I just don't know how to fix this between us. Before we started going out, she used to say, "I love you!! *hugs* G'night! :D" now it's all, "kk g'night". And then... I remember one time in November she sent me a text saying, "Gnight~ Thinkin of u" and I saved it because somewhere in my mind I knew I wouldn't be getting another one like it. And I've tried saying "Thinking of you~" or "I love you" to her before she leaves but... I don't really get a proper response to it so I stopped. And I started to say "Sweet dreams" whenever she leaves and apparently she likes it but... there are some days when I feel like it's a lost cause so I don't say anything but good-bye.
Plus, I've taken to calling her beautiful every day because she IS, but she doesn't see it and I want her to know that other people think she's beautiful even if she herself doesn't. But, um... I don't think she's ever called ME beautiful. She just gives me a look whenever I say I'm ugly or fat. I suppose that's her equivalent to saying, "You're beautiful, shut up." I mean, I know I have high self esteem than she does and I know she's shy about these things it's just... I'd like to hear them once in a while.
:l I'm so retarded. I need a therapist or something. Or meds. Either way, I need to stop letting these things affect me. It's not a big deal as long as she still wants to go out with me, right? My feelings are not important and neither are my opinions. I'd rather just listen to her talk about her problems and her thoughts than having to talk about mine. I could go hours just listening to her talk and just BEING there with her would just make my day. But, uh, she got busy again and I'm grounded. Plus it seems like she doesn't want to hang out with me much so I've decided to back off physically. If she wants to hang out, she can ask; if she wants me to touch her, she can ask me or do it herself; and if she wants our relationship to continue, she can work for it.
I'm done trying.
~~The FiFi~~
Christ. I never used to be this emotional until I started dating Sara. A sign? Maybe. But I don't wanna think about that until I can be sure. Ugh.
Alex says I should talk to her about my feelings and my thoughts. Well, I would LOVE to if I wasn't such an emotional retard. All the time. I'm either happy or I'm wicked depressed. I'm like frickin' Tiffs (some bipolar bitch at out school) only I realize I have a problem. And this shit needs to be controlled NOW. I can't expect Sara to put up with it for much longer. Plus, during musical, frickin' Hobo and Matt did nothing but make it worse. In a time when I really wanted to hang out with Sara, I COULDN'T because either Matt stole her for some fucking problem she has/had or because Hobo wanted to talk to her about something. I mean... fuck. Am I really not fun to be around anymore? Does she not want to spend time with me or something? I get why since I'm been sullen and quiet for about a month but that's not her fault, it's mine. For frickin' caring about shit I don't NEED to care about. Like her hanging out with her friends. I shouldn't care that she blew me off Friday to hang out with Naomi even when I told her I had to tell her something that night. I realize now Naomi takes fucking priority over everyone so... why do I feel so rejected and hurt? It shouldn't even MATTER. So fucking ridiculous.
Plus, I just found out Sara doesn't get "amused" easily unless she's basically listening to music, talking with certain people on AIM, or Hobo. When I saw that she had a lot of fun hanging out with Hobo I got... depressed. Like she doesn't have fun talking or hanging out with me or something. And, Christ, it's not like that at ALL. I know she didn't mean it that way, but like... I still had that feeling that she'd be better off with him. That way she wouldn't have to hide their relationship because he's male and she's just have an all around blast being with him.
Only she turned him down last year then decided to go out with me. So. I suppose that says something, but that didn't stop me from thinking that. I think the reason I DID think that is because we still haven't told people that we're dating. And it's been... what? 5 months? 4 months? I mean, you'd think that by NOW we would've told people, but noooo. Sara's scared of how the Tards might react to finding out.
WHO THE FUCK CARES?! I mean, if this is something she cares about and if this is something she really fucking wants, don't you think she'd take the risk of telling people? It brings up the question whether or not she really DOES want our relationship to continue. Or...
Or maybe she doesn't want people to think she's gay? Or is dating a girl, let alone ME?
I don't think she realizes how much this is hurting me. I believe I've told her before how keeping our relationship a secret was killing me but her response was, "I'm sorry."
Like... UGH. I know you're fucking sorry now fucking DO something about it! I can't be the only one GIVING in this relationship! So far it's been ME initiating every thing we do (ex. holding hands, kissing, hugging, simple touching). But I mean... I need to know if she feels the same way about me. I know this is her first time, but she's NOT stupid so I think she'd be able to catch on by now.
Apparently not. And I'm slowly realizing what it means to go out with her. Patience is key, but how long can I wait before I finally snap?
And that, all up there, is shit I shouldn't even be thinking about. She'd tell me if she wanted to tell people about us and that wouldn't be until she's READY. I shouldn't want to rush things or force her to do stuff she's not comfortable with. Like I said before, this is why first relationship with a girl so it SHOULD be slow and steady.
{But this is just too fucking slow.}
jfdsialmhvtui;gv ia][,tu9peav gavemjimoh ubmo
I'm so useless. I can't even go a day without feeling so self conscious about all this. I'm so fucking weak and stupid. She deserves better than this, I know it. Plus, I found out I was HURTING her unintentionally by being my fucking self. Like, how can she STAND me? I'm such a useless fucking bitch. I'm surprised she's even still WITH me and my emotional sap. I keep thinking I should tell her this, but I keep delaying. That somehow by telling her this she'll just be all, "I'm sorry" and that's that. Like that's suppose to SOLVE things. I know I have to bring this up to her, but it makes me feel fucking retarded for even bringing it up. Like I'm a fucking wuss or something. I mean, I bet she hasn't cried this much in the past MONTH. So why am I? I can't even remember a fun conversation between us. It's always been either boring or serious or just... nothing. I feel like I'm this cause for this and I probably am. I just don't know how to fix this between us. Before we started going out, she used to say, "I love you!! *hugs* G'night! :D" now it's all, "kk g'night". And then... I remember one time in November she sent me a text saying, "Gnight~ Thinkin of u" and I saved it because somewhere in my mind I knew I wouldn't be getting another one like it. And I've tried saying "Thinking of you~" or "I love you" to her before she leaves but... I don't really get a proper response to it so I stopped. And I started to say "Sweet dreams" whenever she leaves and apparently she likes it but... there are some days when I feel like it's a lost cause so I don't say anything but good-bye.
Plus, I've taken to calling her beautiful every day because she IS, but she doesn't see it and I want her to know that other people think she's beautiful even if she herself doesn't. But, um... I don't think she's ever called ME beautiful. She just gives me a look whenever I say I'm ugly or fat. I suppose that's her equivalent to saying, "You're beautiful, shut up." I mean, I know I have high self esteem than she does and I know she's shy about these things it's just... I'd like to hear them once in a while.
:l I'm so retarded. I need a therapist or something. Or meds. Either way, I need to stop letting these things affect me. It's not a big deal as long as she still wants to go out with me, right? My feelings are not important and neither are my opinions. I'd rather just listen to her talk about her problems and her thoughts than having to talk about mine. I could go hours just listening to her talk and just BEING there with her would just make my day. But, uh, she got busy again and I'm grounded. Plus it seems like she doesn't want to hang out with me much so I've decided to back off physically. If she wants to hang out, she can ask; if she wants me to touch her, she can ask me or do it herself; and if she wants our relationship to continue, she can work for it.
I'm done trying.
~~The FiFi~~
February 25, 2010
Devon Skeleton
{Why, howdy, y'all.} It's been a while. But, I've said that before and unto a more pressing matter...
Sara Dim, my girlfriend, has decided to talk to and even hang out with a girl named Devon Skelton. I call her Skeleton because she looks like one and is... disgusting.
The story behind this is that Devon, while in my high school, was a giant slut, drank alcohol and slit her wrists to the point where they left permanent scarring. She has fucked up Alex's life, Sara's life, and everyone else's life along with that because she's so fucking emotional and retarded. She relies on people to deal with her problems and her issues because she can't deal with them on her own. And so, she used Sara and Alex which in turn, made Alex cut more and made Sara way more depressed.
AND SO, after Devon was forced to graduate early because the school cops found freaking RAZORS in her book bag, she left out lives. Well, except Alex's because Alex is too nice of a person to actually let a "friend" down. But now, after a good solid year of not dealing with Dev's bullshit anymore, Sara has suddenly decided she wanted to hang out with Devon.
Oh, I'm sorry, what was that? You want to HANG OUT with the person who has ruined your life, your brother's life, and Alex's life? Well gee, there must be a GOOD reason for this.
But there isn't. Sara says she wants to see how Devon is doing and how her life is going. So, basically, giving her a second chance. A second chance Devon doesn't FUCKING DESERVE. Like, REALLY?! I can't... ugh, I'm so angry right now. I'm angry at Devon for entering her life AGAIN and if probably gonna fuck it up. AGAIN. This is such a retarded idea, I have no idea how Sara says she isn't dumb because there are SERIOUSLY times I question that. This is one of them. I don't get how someone can just... forgive this type of person who just leeches and sucks the life outa anyone.
{I. Don't. Get. It.}
It's insane. I CAN'T let her go through with this... but I am because it's her dumb decision and it's her choice. I'm not gonna control her and tell her what she can or cannot do. I'm just so... against this idea. It's not smart, it's gonna solve anything, and it's gonna be messy. I can sense it. Despite what she may think, once Devon has established a "friendship" with Sara, it'll start affecting her life. I swear it. I just... don't GET it.
Why would someone even WANT to talk to this... pitiful excuse for a human being? To try and HELP them? This person is BEYOND help. We've seen proof of this at the end of last year when she started DRINKING after being practically thrown out of our high school and her parents did nothing to stop it. She's also (from what I've been hearing) is STILL drinking in college, is fucking men like a cat in heat, and it probably still cutting herself into oblivion. In my opinion, no person like this is worth even glancing at. But, I suppose Sara sees SOMETHING in her. I don't.
I don't want this to happen. I don't want Sara to talk to her ever again. I don't want her hanging out with her. I don't want her helping Devon. I don't want her to get hurt by this. Maybe I'm overreacting... but can you BLAME me for being paranoid and a little suspicious? I mean, fucking COME ON. I just... I don't even know. I don't want Devon back in anyone's lives. She doesn't deserve it.
And maybe I like asserting myself in people's lives sometimes. Maybe I like being in other people's lives because my life is so dull.
Who knows? I surely don't. I just don't want last year to repeat.
Sara Dim, my girlfriend, has decided to talk to and even hang out with a girl named Devon Skelton. I call her Skeleton because she looks like one and is... disgusting.
The story behind this is that Devon, while in my high school, was a giant slut, drank alcohol and slit her wrists to the point where they left permanent scarring. She has fucked up Alex's life, Sara's life, and everyone else's life along with that because she's so fucking emotional and retarded. She relies on people to deal with her problems and her issues because she can't deal with them on her own. And so, she used Sara and Alex which in turn, made Alex cut more and made Sara way more depressed.
AND SO, after Devon was forced to graduate early because the school cops found freaking RAZORS in her book bag, she left out lives. Well, except Alex's because Alex is too nice of a person to actually let a "friend" down. But now, after a good solid year of not dealing with Dev's bullshit anymore, Sara has suddenly decided she wanted to hang out with Devon.
Oh, I'm sorry, what was that? You want to HANG OUT with the person who has ruined your life, your brother's life, and Alex's life? Well gee, there must be a GOOD reason for this.
But there isn't. Sara says she wants to see how Devon is doing and how her life is going. So, basically, giving her a second chance. A second chance Devon doesn't FUCKING DESERVE. Like, REALLY?! I can't... ugh, I'm so angry right now. I'm angry at Devon for entering her life AGAIN and if probably gonna fuck it up. AGAIN. This is such a retarded idea, I have no idea how Sara says she isn't dumb because there are SERIOUSLY times I question that. This is one of them. I don't get how someone can just... forgive this type of person who just leeches and sucks the life outa anyone.
{I. Don't. Get. It.}
It's insane. I CAN'T let her go through with this... but I am because it's her dumb decision and it's her choice. I'm not gonna control her and tell her what she can or cannot do. I'm just so... against this idea. It's not smart, it's gonna solve anything, and it's gonna be messy. I can sense it. Despite what she may think, once Devon has established a "friendship" with Sara, it'll start affecting her life. I swear it. I just... don't GET it.
Why would someone even WANT to talk to this... pitiful excuse for a human being? To try and HELP them? This person is BEYOND help. We've seen proof of this at the end of last year when she started DRINKING after being practically thrown out of our high school and her parents did nothing to stop it. She's also (from what I've been hearing) is STILL drinking in college, is fucking men like a cat in heat, and it probably still cutting herself into oblivion. In my opinion, no person like this is worth even glancing at. But, I suppose Sara sees SOMETHING in her. I don't.
I don't want this to happen. I don't want Sara to talk to her ever again. I don't want her hanging out with her. I don't want her helping Devon. I don't want her to get hurt by this. Maybe I'm overreacting... but can you BLAME me for being paranoid and a little suspicious? I mean, fucking COME ON. I just... I don't even know. I don't want Devon back in anyone's lives. She doesn't deserve it.
And maybe I like asserting myself in people's lives sometimes. Maybe I like being in other people's lives because my life is so dull.
Who knows? I surely don't. I just don't want last year to repeat.
December 20, 2009
Different.
{Yeah.} As the title says, things are prettyyyy different now...
By that I mean I've been getting the feeling that Sara Dim (MAH GIRLFRIIIEEEND~) has been acting differently towards me lately. 'Cause before we started going out and even in the beginning, she'd be all, "G'night~ :3" or "Thinking of you" and stuff. But now she's just... idk. I wanna say distant and kinda indifferent towards me .__. When she leaves our AIM convos now she's all, "bye" and then in school it's like she avoids me or something. She doesn't say hello to me or goodbye when she's leaves for homeroom... fuck, I dunno DX Maybe I'm being too clingy and demanding. Or paranoid. It's just... the little things, ya know? They make a difference. I'm not sure if she thinks it'll be awkward if she says those things to me or if it's awkward for her, but lemme tell ya, I really liked it when she told me she was thinking of me... like, REALLY REALLY liked it XD And, I dun wanna push her into doing things she doesn't wanna do because God knows how she hates being touched (by anyone). Sara's also not really, uh, "out of the closet" or anything like that. I mean, I'm bi-sexual. I literally can swing both ways and not give a shit. Sara, on the other hand...
I'm not too sure. She said she had wanted to try this out with me... but does that mean I'm just an experiment for her? Does she really like me as I like her? Does she even WANT an actual relationship with me--like dating, holding hands, kissing and shit? SO MANY UNANSWERED QUESTIONS. But, fuck, how do I ASK her all these questions? x_X I feel like that'd only pressure her and by God I do not want that. At all. I told her this would be her pace and her pace only. So I mean... yeah. I just dunno how she feels about this or about me... like she's closed off or something. I want to talk to her about this, but she's hardly online and we never have a chance to talk in school or out of school because she's busy with work and we never see each other as is in school... and I'm at fault because half of me wants to tell her this and the other half is scared. Scared of what, you might ask? Scared that she might not feel the same way or want the same things and break-up with me. Gah, I'm getting depressed thinking about that.
I'm just at a loss on what I should do, seriously x_x I want a date with her, I want to hug her, hold her, kiss her, touch her... but does she want those things with me?
~~The FiFi~~
By that I mean I've been getting the feeling that Sara Dim (MAH GIRLFRIIIEEEND~) has been acting differently towards me lately. 'Cause before we started going out and even in the beginning, she'd be all, "G'night~ :3" or "Thinking of you" and stuff. But now she's just... idk. I wanna say distant and kinda indifferent towards me .__. When she leaves our AIM convos now she's all, "bye" and then in school it's like she avoids me or something. She doesn't say hello to me or goodbye when she's leaves for homeroom... fuck, I dunno DX Maybe I'm being too clingy and demanding. Or paranoid. It's just... the little things, ya know? They make a difference. I'm not sure if she thinks it'll be awkward if she says those things to me or if it's awkward for her, but lemme tell ya, I really liked it when she told me she was thinking of me... like, REALLY REALLY liked it XD And, I dun wanna push her into doing things she doesn't wanna do because God knows how she hates being touched (by anyone). Sara's also not really, uh, "out of the closet" or anything like that. I mean, I'm bi-sexual. I literally can swing both ways and not give a shit. Sara, on the other hand...
I'm not too sure. She said she had wanted to try this out with me... but does that mean I'm just an experiment for her? Does she really like me as I like her? Does she even WANT an actual relationship with me--like dating, holding hands, kissing and shit? SO MANY UNANSWERED QUESTIONS. But, fuck, how do I ASK her all these questions? x_X I feel like that'd only pressure her and by God I do not want that. At all. I told her this would be her pace and her pace only. So I mean... yeah. I just dunno how she feels about this or about me... like she's closed off or something. I want to talk to her about this, but she's hardly online and we never have a chance to talk in school or out of school because she's busy with work and we never see each other as is in school... and I'm at fault because half of me wants to tell her this and the other half is scared. Scared of what, you might ask? Scared that she might not feel the same way or want the same things and break-up with me. Gah, I'm getting depressed thinking about that.
I'm just at a loss on what I should do, seriously x_x I want a date with her, I want to hug her, hold her, kiss her, touch her... but does she want those things with me?
~~The FiFi~~
December 15, 2009
Why do I do ANYTHING anymore...
Ok, so, yeah I haven't posted here in a while because my life was kinda mundane then and not really interesting. But, fucking RECENTLY life has taken a turn for the worse.
One; motherfucking CHEM class is a fucking BITCH this year. I won't even beGIN to describe my long-lasting hate for my teacher, Mrs. Marks (may someone kill her in her sleep) because, seriously, how can one LEARN a section of chemistry in one day then learn a completely DIFFERENT lesson the next day? Yeah, I can't. Hence why I'm failing it so, soooo badly. Luckily, Doc Fro is the best chem teacher in the world and has made me finally understand SOME of the stuff we're learning. God bless him.
Two; I AM NOT PLANNING ANYTHING FOR MY FRIENDS AGAIN. EVER. Fuck homecoming, Sadies, parties--WHATEVER. It doesn't matter who I plan with or how I plan it or what I plan, things always get fucked UP because someone has to change their fucking minds and change the plan MANY FUCKING TIMES. God, don't get me STARTED on Homecoming... just basically, I'll plan it with someone else and we'll go, "Hey, lets do this, this, this, and this." And everyone is all, "SURE~ OK~ :D" until a week before the date is set and someone'll come up with a BETTER idea and change the entire thing, making the group confused. Sehr confused. Which is what is happening now with the Secret Santa bullshit I put together with the idea that everyone wanted to do it and I basically just wrote down names on a sheet of paper and passed them out to Tards.
AND GUESS WHAT. Something as SIMPLE as that got COMPLETELY changed because of what Bekah said to Sara Dim earlier today. Because, APPARENTLY, passing out the gifts we got for each other is not the "proper" way to fucking do a Secret Santa thing. WHO THE FUCK CARES? Does it LOOK like I care? No. But, hey! Just little ol' ME here thinking of the EASIEST fucking way to do anything and here goes Bekah fucking it up. She even told me we should do it in school because she's having a party this Saturday and some of the people doing Secret Santas are NOT. INVITED. But then today she changed her mind because apparently we CAN now do it at her house despite the fact 10 people won't be there.
How BRILLIANT is THAT plan? So fucking brilliant I want to have her an award saying, "Here's to the Brightest Dumbass in the World." Because, seriously, she had told me WEEKS beforehand we should just do it in school and (though this IS my fault) I had messaged people today, Hey, we're doing this shit in school because it's easier kthxbai. Then Sara (God how I love and hate this woman) replied to the thread saying, Hey, no we're not, we're doing most of the gift giving on Saturday kthxbai.
JESUS FUCK. The people who WEREN'T invited to the Saturday were IN THE THREAD, SMARTS. Way to fucking go. So, instead of getting PISSED at Bekah, I just said, "Fine. Whatever. Do it fucking your way. I'm just gonna let you two plan since I'm not really in the Secret Santa and by now, I'm past fucking caring." Ok, well, minus all the swearing, but you get the idea.
Just... fuck. I hate trying to control people and being bitchy but when I PLAN things, I tend to expect it to go the way I planned it or how WE planned it in the freaking beginning. Whatever, I'm just being whinny and probably unreasonable (I don't care at this point) but I really needed to rant somewhere because I didn't want to get angry at them : I have a tendency of overreacting and having anger issues, so I'd rather just type it down here where NO ONE'LL see this and get it over with. :3
One; motherfucking CHEM class is a fucking BITCH this year. I won't even beGIN to describe my long-lasting hate for my teacher, Mrs. Marks (may someone kill her in her sleep) because, seriously, how can one LEARN a section of chemistry in one day then learn a completely DIFFERENT lesson the next day? Yeah, I can't. Hence why I'm failing it so, soooo badly. Luckily, Doc Fro is the best chem teacher in the world and has made me finally understand SOME of the stuff we're learning. God bless him.
Two; I AM NOT PLANNING ANYTHING FOR MY FRIENDS AGAIN. EVER. Fuck homecoming, Sadies, parties--WHATEVER. It doesn't matter who I plan with or how I plan it or what I plan, things always get fucked UP because someone has to change their fucking minds and change the plan MANY FUCKING TIMES. God, don't get me STARTED on Homecoming... just basically, I'll plan it with someone else and we'll go, "Hey, lets do this, this, this, and this." And everyone is all, "SURE~ OK~ :D" until a week before the date is set and someone'll come up with a BETTER idea and change the entire thing, making the group confused. Sehr confused. Which is what is happening now with the Secret Santa bullshit I put together with the idea that everyone wanted to do it and I basically just wrote down names on a sheet of paper and passed them out to Tards.
AND GUESS WHAT. Something as SIMPLE as that got COMPLETELY changed because of what Bekah said to Sara Dim earlier today. Because, APPARENTLY, passing out the gifts we got for each other is not the "proper" way to fucking do a Secret Santa thing. WHO THE FUCK CARES? Does it LOOK like I care? No. But, hey! Just little ol' ME here thinking of the EASIEST fucking way to do anything and here goes Bekah fucking it up. She even told me we should do it in school because she's having a party this Saturday and some of the people doing Secret Santas are NOT. INVITED. But then today she changed her mind because apparently we CAN now do it at her house despite the fact 10 people won't be there.
How BRILLIANT is THAT plan? So fucking brilliant I want to have her an award saying, "Here's to the Brightest Dumbass in the World." Because, seriously, she had told me WEEKS beforehand we should just do it in school and (though this IS my fault) I had messaged people today, Hey, we're doing this shit in school because it's easier kthxbai. Then Sara (God how I love and hate this woman) replied to the thread saying, Hey, no we're not, we're doing most of the gift giving on Saturday kthxbai.
JESUS FUCK. The people who WEREN'T invited to the Saturday were IN THE THREAD, SMARTS. Way to fucking go. So, instead of getting PISSED at Bekah, I just said, "Fine. Whatever. Do it fucking your way. I'm just gonna let you two plan since I'm not really in the Secret Santa and by now, I'm past fucking caring." Ok, well, minus all the swearing, but you get the idea.
Just... fuck. I hate trying to control people and being bitchy but when I PLAN things, I tend to expect it to go the way I planned it or how WE planned it in the freaking beginning. Whatever, I'm just being whinny and probably unreasonable (I don't care at this point) but I really needed to rant somewhere because I didn't want to get angry at them : I have a tendency of overreacting and having anger issues, so I'd rather just type it down here where NO ONE'LL see this and get it over with. :3
{So yeah.} I hate everything right now. I still stand by my word when I say I'm not planning anything for these fucking Tards ever again.
~~The FiFi~~
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