[15:26] thespaz92: well since you're either not here or ignoring me I suppose I'll just tell you then. I was gonna do it after work but I wasn't sure if I'd be here sooo...
[15:27] thespaz92: um, we can't be friends right now.
[15:27] thespaz92: It's partly my fault for not realizing what I needed to do and just doing what I wanted to do.
[15:28] thespaz92: but it's also your fault for just... not getting it. I've told you before I hate it when you act like my mother and yet you continue to do so anyways. Plus, seeing you and just being around you hurts like a motherfucker.
[15:29] thespaz92: So I'd rather just cut ties with you until I can fully get a grasp on my feelings and shit. I'm sorry it had to turn out this way and that I'm telling you this kinda inproperly :/ As they say, shit happens.
[15:31] thespaz92: you can still IM if you want, I'm not gonna get rid of that. but you're not on my Facebook, nor my dA. I won't be talking to you in real life and I'll be basically avoiding you for the rest of the school year most likely.
[15:31] thespaz92: so, I suppose that's it. Have fun at work.
[Fast Forward a few days...]
[15:15] Sara Dim~: I thought you said you got rid of my FB and AIM and everything?
[15:15] thespaz92: ...are you online...? oh ok well no, I said I'd keep your AIM if wanted to talk things over or whatever.
[15:16] Sara Dim~: well, I would like to know why instead of just not speaking to me for a while we can't even be friends, but if you don't want to talk I'll stop.
[15:16] Sara Dim~: I also just wanted to tell you we're fostering again and we have a mama and two one week old kittens
[15:18] thespaz92: Sara, to be honest, for the rest of school year I'd just rather not be your friend. It's for personal reasons but I think it's best for me. I know it's selfish, but I figure I can afford to be selfish once in a while.
[15:18] Sara Dim~: alright thats fine
[15:18] Sara Dim~: I'll just stop talking then if it makes you feel better
[15:19] thespaz92: Yeah, I'd prefer that.
April 5, 2010
April 3, 2010
Yeah.
See how everything was fine right after we broke up? Well, it's not like that anymore. Sara still continues to "mother" me by going, "YOU SHOULD TRY HARDER" or "WHY AREN'T YOU DOING YOUR HW?!" and my favorite, "SORRY FOR HOPING YOU WOULD ACTUALLY DO WORK FOR SCHOOL."
I mean, WHAT. THE. FUCK.
I have exactly 4 mothers that I allow to say those things to me because 1) they're MOTHERS and HAVE kids of their own so they have the right to baby me around sometimes and 2) they're older than me and know better. YOU, Sara, just TURNED 17 and you THINK you can treat me like I'm fucking 5?! You are/were supposedly my FRIEND. I don't need you fucking saying those things to me all the time. It's not appropriate and I don't appreciate it. In fact, it HURTS every time you say those things because I already hear them from my OWN mother. Plus, I've told you BEFORE that I hate it when you do this and yet you still do it! I mean, do I NEED to get a neon sign that says, "Stop Talking" or something? Jesus fucking Christ...
So, for future reference, just shut the fuck up about things you claim to understand but clearly don't. And I advise you to stay the FUCK out of my life. Thanks.
~~The Fifi~~
I mean, WHAT. THE. FUCK.
I have exactly 4 mothers that I allow to say those things to me because 1) they're MOTHERS and HAVE kids of their own so they have the right to baby me around sometimes and 2) they're older than me and know better. YOU, Sara, just TURNED 17 and you THINK you can treat me like I'm fucking 5?! You are/were supposedly my FRIEND. I don't need you fucking saying those things to me all the time. It's not appropriate and I don't appreciate it. In fact, it HURTS every time you say those things because I already hear them from my OWN mother. Plus, I've told you BEFORE that I hate it when you do this and yet you still do it! I mean, do I NEED to get a neon sign that says, "Stop Talking" or something? Jesus fucking Christ...
So, for future reference, just shut the fuck up about things you claim to understand but clearly don't. And I advise you to stay the FUCK out of my life. Thanks.
~~The Fifi~~
The Morning After
[11:19] Sara Dim~: good morning
[11:20] thespaz92: okok so I know I said I probaby wouldn't be talking to you for like, ever but, uh... I really wanted to talk to you and I just wanted to say that even know this sucks, I support your decision 100%
[11:20] thespaz92: and g'morning :3
[11:21] Sara Dim~: what made you support my decision? and I'm glad you aren't waiting a week to talk to me
[11:21] Sara Dim~: that would suck horribly D:
[11:22] thespaz92: um well, I was thinking about this all last night and this morning and um... I can't be away from you x__x I'm really, really weak and UGH I hate crying... Jesus my fam's gonna think something's up.
[11:23] thespaz92: plus I want you to be happy ;o
[11:24] Sara Dim~: well hey, as much as I hate hearing that you were crying, you gotta understand that crying helps people get over problems. if I couldn't cry, I would have anger management problems from the buildup o_o
[11:24] thespaz92: oh heeyyyy...
[11:25] thespaz92: I suppose that's why I'm such a retard case then. I don't cry often or really at all.
[11:25] Sara Dim~: you're NOT a retard case, but crying DOES help. :3
[11:25] Sara Dim~: and for me at least I've found taking walks helps
[11:26] thespaz92: well it was cold and raining last night so I couldnt take a walk D: and I'm planning on seeing Liz today sooo...
[11:27] Sara Dim~: well thats good, seeing other people helps
[11:27] thespaz92: um I also wanted to tell you that depsite me being ok about this, I still like you andandand I don't want this to be awkward...er...
[11:27] Sara Dim~: people you're close to, rather.
[11:27] Sara Dim~: what, you mean us still being around eachother being awkward?
[11:28] thespaz92: to be honest, I don't think I can around you just yet. but talking, yes.
[11:29] Sara Dim~: ok, well, whenever you are ready, I'm not gonna lie, I'm the least awkward person to be around after breakups. o_o I mean, unless something horribly dramatic happened (I mean HORRIBLY dramatic, like, if we broke up and you went out driving and crashed and came back to school with something broken, that horrible) I tend to be able to act normal, even if inside it feels weird at first.
[11:30] thespaz92: I'm... different, as you know. so it'll be a while before I'm fully up to speed about this.
[11:30] Sara Dim~: that's ok. =/ inside I'll be the same way, but I'm good at acting different than I feel. I pretty much do that every day.
[11:31] thespaz92: I try to but this big for me so though I'll wear a smile to other people, I'll act a little differently.
[11:32] Sara Dim~: that makes sense. you told me that before, so as much as I don't like it, I at least know about it.
[11:33] thespaz92: oh and I can't be touchy with you, can I? :/
[11:34] Sara Dim~: what do you mean touchy?
[11:34] thespaz92: not like groping but hugging :c
[11:35] Sara Dim~: well I'm still not normally a hug person, but every now and then yea. I let general people hug me now and then so yea.
[11:36] thespaz92: *nodnod* ok, just making sure.
[11:38] thespaz92: so how about, a year ago if this had happened, I would've totally removed myself from you... o_o;
[11:39] thespaz92: and you're creeping on FB again lol
[11:39] Sara Dim~: that... would've sucked even more horribly than this does. =/ and I know I kind of have no other reason to be on the comp than talking to ppl
[11:41] thespaz92: well I was a bit more emotional unstable than I am now, surprisingly. In fact, I was considering doing that now but I decided against it... idk why I'm telling you this, ignore me :/
[11:41] Sara Dim~: I'm not gonna ignore you cause I want to hear what you have to say
[11:43] thespaz92: there's no reason for me to mention it, that's the thing. It's like I want you to feel... lucky, maybe? I dunno, it's not worth it .__.;
[11:44] Sara Dim~: if it means anything, I do feel lucky. that I got to go out with you, that we were happy, and that you're still talking to me.
[11:44] Sara Dim~: and that you don't hate me
[11:45] thespaz92: I don't think I'm capable of hating you. I just want you--us--to be happy again. *takes deep breath* this is harder than I thought it would be XD
[11:46] Sara Dim~: thats ok I'm glad you're telling me cause last night when you got offline I thought you were just gonna ignore me for a week or two then barely speak to me, which would've been really bad D:
[11:47] Sara Dim~: and we can definitely be happy again as friends, just like we were before I think. I mean, not just talking in school and stuff, I think we can fully come back to how things were, hanging out a lot and stuff.
[11:47] thespaz92: I was seriously thinking about it :/ I was also thinking of deleting you as my friend on FB so I wouldn't have to see you posting everywhere. plus blocking your AIM and deleteing every post of your's on my wall...
[11:47] thespaz92: I really, really hope so DX I miss that. I really do.
[11:47] thespaz92: *deleting
[11:47] thespaz92: actually, I forgot I deleted Vegas from my messages...
[11:48] Sara Dim~: ohh that would have been really bad D: if you did that, just so you know all that deleting stuff, I would likely have stopped talking to you until you fixed it. =/ cause that would've made me mad. but I'm really happy you didn't. cause I dont want to be mad. D:
[11:49] thespaz92: I don't think you can undelete posts o_o just puttin' that out there.
[11:50] Sara Dim~: I know but I mean re-friend me on FB and re-add my AIM and go back to normal for the most part
[11:51] thespaz92: oooh, that. yeah... you would've had to wait a month <_< I had this all planned out but like, it would've killed me to do so. So I didn't and I'm glad I didn't.
[11:52] Sara Dim~: I'm glad you didn't too.
[11:52] Sara Dim~: I was almost expecting you to, but that you didn't is good.
[11:52] Sara Dim~: I dont want to not talk to you because of this.
[11:53] thespaz92: yeah, I figured DX
[11:58] thespaz92: I have Lady Gaga on repeat...
[11:58] Sara Dim~: lol wow. telephone?
[11:58] thespaz92: SO SUE ME
[11:58] thespaz92: yeah D:
[11:59] thespaz92: it's so... catchy.
[11:59] thespaz92: it's like a freakin' gateway drug.
[12:00] Sara Dim~: lol!
[12:00] Sara Dim~: its alright
[12:00] thespaz92: I LEFT ME HEAD AND MY HEART ON THE DANCE FLOOOORR
[12:00] Sara Dim~: I like paper gangsta better
[12:00] thespaz92: ew <_<
[12:01] Sara Dim~: sry its an interesting mix to me
[12:01] thespaz92: ewww D: is it a gateway drug for you too?
[12:02] Sara Dim~: naw
[12:02] Sara Dim~: post blue by placebo is a gateway drug
[12:02] Sara Dim~: want me to send you a link?
[12:02] thespaz92: depends ._. how good of a song is it?
[12:03] Sara Dim~: I love it
[12:03] Sara Dim~: lol
[12:03] Sara Dim~: that means nothing to you know
[12:03] Sara Dim~: let me just link you
[12:03] Sara Dim~: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rFmYolKP2tg
[12:04] Sara Dim~: ah I gtg
[12:04] Sara Dim~: sry I will be back later though
[12:04] thespaz92: ok :o
[12:04] thespaz92: seeya then~
[12:04] Sara Dim~: bye! hope you keep yr decision not to ignore me forever! :3
[11:20] thespaz92: okok so I know I said I probaby wouldn't be talking to you for like, ever but, uh... I really wanted to talk to you and I just wanted to say that even know this sucks, I support your decision 100%
[11:20] thespaz92: and g'morning :3
[11:21] Sara Dim~: what made you support my decision? and I'm glad you aren't waiting a week to talk to me
[11:21] Sara Dim~: that would suck horribly D:
[11:22] thespaz92: um well, I was thinking about this all last night and this morning and um... I can't be away from you x__x I'm really, really weak and UGH I hate crying... Jesus my fam's gonna think something's up.
[11:23] thespaz92: plus I want you to be happy ;o
[11:24] Sara Dim~: well hey, as much as I hate hearing that you were crying, you gotta understand that crying helps people get over problems. if I couldn't cry, I would have anger management problems from the buildup o_o
[11:24] thespaz92: oh heeyyyy...
[11:25] thespaz92: I suppose that's why I'm such a retard case then. I don't cry often or really at all.
[11:25] Sara Dim~: you're NOT a retard case, but crying DOES help. :3
[11:25] Sara Dim~: and for me at least I've found taking walks helps
[11:26] thespaz92: well it was cold and raining last night so I couldnt take a walk D: and I'm planning on seeing Liz today sooo...
[11:27] Sara Dim~: well thats good, seeing other people helps
[11:27] thespaz92: um I also wanted to tell you that depsite me being ok about this, I still like you andandand I don't want this to be awkward...er...
[11:27] Sara Dim~: people you're close to, rather.
[11:27] Sara Dim~: what, you mean us still being around eachother being awkward?
[11:28] thespaz92: to be honest, I don't think I can around you just yet. but talking, yes.
[11:29] Sara Dim~: ok, well, whenever you are ready, I'm not gonna lie, I'm the least awkward person to be around after breakups. o_o I mean, unless something horribly dramatic happened (I mean HORRIBLY dramatic, like, if we broke up and you went out driving and crashed and came back to school with something broken, that horrible) I tend to be able to act normal, even if inside it feels weird at first.
[11:30] thespaz92: I'm... different, as you know. so it'll be a while before I'm fully up to speed about this.
[11:30] Sara Dim~: that's ok. =/ inside I'll be the same way, but I'm good at acting different than I feel. I pretty much do that every day.
[11:31] thespaz92: I try to but this big for me so though I'll wear a smile to other people, I'll act a little differently.
[11:32] Sara Dim~: that makes sense. you told me that before, so as much as I don't like it, I at least know about it.
[11:33] thespaz92: oh and I can't be touchy with you, can I? :/
[11:34] Sara Dim~: what do you mean touchy?
[11:34] thespaz92: not like groping but hugging :c
[11:35] Sara Dim~: well I'm still not normally a hug person, but every now and then yea. I let general people hug me now and then so yea.
[11:36] thespaz92: *nodnod* ok, just making sure.
[11:38] thespaz92: so how about, a year ago if this had happened, I would've totally removed myself from you... o_o;
[11:39] thespaz92: and you're creeping on FB again lol
[11:39] Sara Dim~: that... would've sucked even more horribly than this does. =/ and I know I kind of have no other reason to be on the comp than talking to ppl
[11:41] thespaz92: well I was a bit more emotional unstable than I am now, surprisingly. In fact, I was considering doing that now but I decided against it... idk why I'm telling you this, ignore me :/
[11:41] Sara Dim~: I'm not gonna ignore you cause I want to hear what you have to say
[11:43] thespaz92: there's no reason for me to mention it, that's the thing. It's like I want you to feel... lucky, maybe? I dunno, it's not worth it .__.;
[11:44] Sara Dim~: if it means anything, I do feel lucky. that I got to go out with you, that we were happy, and that you're still talking to me.
[11:44] Sara Dim~: and that you don't hate me
[11:45] thespaz92: I don't think I'm capable of hating you. I just want you--us--to be happy again. *takes deep breath* this is harder than I thought it would be XD
[11:46] Sara Dim~: thats ok I'm glad you're telling me cause last night when you got offline I thought you were just gonna ignore me for a week or two then barely speak to me, which would've been really bad D:
[11:47] Sara Dim~: and we can definitely be happy again as friends, just like we were before I think. I mean, not just talking in school and stuff, I think we can fully come back to how things were, hanging out a lot and stuff.
[11:47] thespaz92: I was seriously thinking about it :/ I was also thinking of deleting you as my friend on FB so I wouldn't have to see you posting everywhere. plus blocking your AIM and deleteing every post of your's on my wall...
[11:47] thespaz92: I really, really hope so DX I miss that. I really do.
[11:47] thespaz92: *deleting
[11:47] thespaz92: actually, I forgot I deleted Vegas from my messages...
[11:48] Sara Dim~: ohh that would have been really bad D: if you did that, just so you know all that deleting stuff, I would likely have stopped talking to you until you fixed it. =/ cause that would've made me mad. but I'm really happy you didn't. cause I dont want to be mad. D:
[11:49] thespaz92: I don't think you can undelete posts o_o just puttin' that out there.
[11:50] Sara Dim~: I know but I mean re-friend me on FB and re-add my AIM and go back to normal for the most part
[11:51] thespaz92: oooh, that. yeah... you would've had to wait a month <_< I had this all planned out but like, it would've killed me to do so. So I didn't and I'm glad I didn't.
[11:52] Sara Dim~: I'm glad you didn't too.
[11:52] Sara Dim~: I was almost expecting you to, but that you didn't is good.
[11:52] Sara Dim~: I dont want to not talk to you because of this.
[11:53] thespaz92: yeah, I figured DX
[11:58] thespaz92: I have Lady Gaga on repeat...
[11:58] Sara Dim~: lol wow. telephone?
[11:58] thespaz92: SO SUE ME
[11:58] thespaz92: yeah D:
[11:59] thespaz92: it's so... catchy.
[11:59] thespaz92: it's like a freakin' gateway drug.
[12:00] Sara Dim~: lol!
[12:00] Sara Dim~: its alright
[12:00] thespaz92: I LEFT ME HEAD AND MY HEART ON THE DANCE FLOOOORR
[12:00] Sara Dim~: I like paper gangsta better
[12:00] thespaz92: ew <_<
[12:01] Sara Dim~: sry its an interesting mix to me
[12:01] thespaz92: ewww D: is it a gateway drug for you too?
[12:02] Sara Dim~: naw
[12:02] Sara Dim~: post blue by placebo is a gateway drug
[12:02] Sara Dim~: want me to send you a link?
[12:02] thespaz92: depends ._. how good of a song is it?
[12:03] Sara Dim~: I love it
[12:03] Sara Dim~: lol
[12:03] Sara Dim~: that means nothing to you know
[12:03] Sara Dim~: let me just link you
[12:03] Sara Dim~: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rFmYolKP2tg
[12:04] Sara Dim~: ah I gtg
[12:04] Sara Dim~: sry I will be back later though
[12:04] thespaz92: ok :o
[12:04] thespaz92: seeya then~
[12:04] Sara Dim~: bye! hope you keep yr decision not to ignore me forever! :3
March 26, 2010
The break-up.
[20:24] thespaz92: can I ask you a serious question? it's been bugging me for a while...
[20:25] Sara/Edward~: of course
[20:25] Sara/Edward~: go for it?
[20:25] Sara/Edward~: *.
[20:25] Sara/Edward~: idk why that was a question
[20:25] thespaz92: um... ok, maybe I should've said questions but here it goes:
[20:26] thespaz92: how important is our relationship to you?
[20:27] Sara/Edward~: o_o where is this coming from?
[20:27] thespaz92: just answer eeet. it has to do with my second question :c
[20:28] Sara/Edward~: ok... well our relationship is definitely important to me. I really like you. but really, where is this coming from? you're worrying me
[20:29] thespaz92: ok and... do you want us to go farther in our relationship?
[20:30] Sara/Edward~: I'm gonna be honest... I want to go farther, but I dont know if we really can. =/
[20:31] thespaz92: and why is that?
[20:32] Sara/Edward~: because we're two very different people, and for a while everything was running smoothly and now we're having arguments almost every time we talk. we see things differently and think differently and it seems to be causing problems. D:
[20:32] thespaz92: yeah I know... :/
[20:32] Sara/Edward~: is that why you asked?
[20:33] Sara/Edward~: were you thinking the same thing?
[20:33] thespaz92: well yes and also because...
[20:34] thespaz92: if you really wanted us to continue dating and if this is something really important to you, we need to tell people. Lyssa told me we should've told people a long time ago, but I said you weren't ready for that and then she asks if you were ready for it now. I told her probably not, but like...
[20:35] thespaz92: I physically cannot keep hiding around like this. It's like I'm keeping a part of me hidden and it hurts. I want to share my happiness with people because this is important to me. Very much so.
[20:37] thespaz92: and I know we've talked about this before so I was hesitant to even bring it up x____x
[20:40] Sara/Edward~: Fifi... I know its really important to you, and I know you really want to tell people, but.. I'm very weak and very private. even when I went out with PJ, I didn't like people knowing. I just dont think it's other people's business. its who I am. and I know it means a lot to you, and I care a lot about making you happy and I wish I could do this for you but its not who I am.
[20:40] Sara/Edward~: this is just one of those things we are polar opposites on, and I can't change that =/
[20:40] Sara/Edward~: I'm sorry I make you mad/sad/upset
[20:40] Sara/Edward~: I'm sorry I really really am.
[20:41] thespaz92: So we wouldn't be able to EVER tell people? At all?
[20:41] Sara/Edward~: thats not what I said... its just... we've been arguing so much it makes me uneasy. if things were running as smoothly as they were at first, I'd be all for it... but something as simple as having a casual conversation is even difficult for us now.
[20:42] Sara/Edward~: at first I didn't want to tell people because I wanted to test the waters, see if we could do this, and then I wanted to tell people cause we were doing so well, and then things went downhill steadily... and it just doesn't seem right.
[20:44] thespaz92: Yeah...
[20:46] thespaz92: it's not like fighting is unusual for couples. I really don't have an excuse as to why this is happening except that I hate, really hate talking about grades and my future. It just... isn't a good topic for me. And I know you're worried and I know you care but it's like... I don't need it. I have my mom for that and she says those things to me 24/7 and I didn't want to hear them from you :/
[20:46] thespaz92: I don't want to let you down and when you said I wasn't trying, well...
[20:48] Sara/Edward~: I know what you mean about that. it may not seem like it, it may seem like I'm some second mother sent from hell to torture you, but I know what you mean. I've had more restless nights full of depression and crying because of my mother and brother talking bad about my grades than I think you could even understand. I dont tell people, but its true. to be completely and one hundred percent honest, I tell you things like that I feel like you aren't trying because of two things.
[20:51] Sara/Edward~: one, I dont want to see you do badly. I want to see you do something great with yourself. I know you can, I know it's in you. and two, I've been hurt so much because of my grades... I mean, grades have become half of what my lief is because of how absolutely dead my mother makes me feel when she scolds me for my grades. I have been suicidal before. and to see someone I care about getting warnings from their parents and not taking it seriously, seeing that you don't have to deal with it so much (or at least you dont take your groundings and stuff seriously) makes me go "why the HECK do they get off so easily when i've been tortured so much about my own grades?" and it just makes me so mad... I'm sorry if my own experience has caused me to make you upset like that, which i know they have... it's just how I'm programmed.
[20:55] thespaz92: well, I'd rather avoid the subject completely then. I'm hard-wired to be careless and lazy, and it's not something I can change easily. I like making you happy, hun :/ I'm sorry if I have let you down. I know I'm far from perfect; I'm paranoid, jealous, and all around just... cruel and I don't mean to be, I just am and I want you to know that despite everything, despite out differences, I really want you, Sara. I don't want to give you up unless something so terrible happens that I can't be with you anymore. If that seems forward, I'm sorry, it's just... how I feel.
[20:57] thespaz92: And I have a problem with not sharing my feelings with people often so I'm sorry for that as well. It's not like I don't trust you or anything it's just I don't feel like my emotions are worth anything to be mentioned. I'm emotional so it's like I have too many feelings to list and I just don't bother.
[20:59] thespaz92: *our differences
[21:00] Sara/Edward~: i'm not gonna lie this makes me want to cry. i don't want to hurt you, i don't want to at all, but it just hurts me to keep doing this. I just don't know how we can make this work.
[21:01] thespaz92: Please don't cry, please D: They say patience is key...
[21:05] Sara/Edward~: Fifi... I'm a private person. I dont like telling people my business. I seek refuge in being alone or swinging or walking. you're an open person and like to be outgoing and around people. I like to listen to my music a lot because it puts me in my own little world where I can ignore everything horrible and whenever I want to listen to music you get unhappy with me. when I want to do school work or take a nap, you want to hang out or go somewhere.
[21:05] Sara/Edward~: we're in constant confliction and it causes constant problems. even when you just get mad cause I'm listening to music, i feel horrible and mad because I dont understand how doing something so innocent is so bad. it doesn't make sense to me.
[21:06] Sara/Edward~: we just dont see eye to eye a lot of the time, and it makes me want to cry it does and I'm trying not to but its very difficult to say the things i've been thinking
[21:09] thespaz92: I know, it's difficult for me too... and I don't get mad if you listen to music or want to do homework, I just get frustrated because I seem so clingy and I hate being clingy. I try not to be but it's so hard sometimes because I love being near you and just touching you occasionally. Yes, I'm a social person and I love sharing things, but I can't share everything with everybody and I can't hang out with people all the time. I need alone time too, but not a lot of it.
[21:11] thespaz92: and I know we don't agree with things and we have different tastes, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I mean, sure, I'd love it if you could somehow find a way to love Muse like I do, but I mean... what can you do? Most couples are opposites. Looks at your parents for example. They seem totally different to me and my parents are complete opposites.
[21:11] thespaz92: Sure we fight and don't see eye to eye sometimes, but does that mean we can't work things out?
[21:22] Sara/Edward~: ... Fifi, please don't make me feel worse about this, I already feel awful, I'm near tears here. I care about you a lot but I honestly don't feel like it's working and I'm unhappy more than I'm happy and I know you are, too. I know you want this to work, and I really really tried, but I just feel like it's not going the way I or you had hoped and it's better to be friends, for the both of us, even if it doesn't feel like it to you right now. I'm so sorry that I can't say I feel the same way as you about this anymore.
[21:24] thespaz92: So... this is it then?
[21:26] Sara/Edward~: I guess so... I mean, i still really care about you, but I think this is the only way it can be.
[21:27] thespaz92: If this is what you want, Sara.
[21:28] Sara/Edward~: when will you see I have no idea what I want? =/ this is just what I think is best for us.
[21:30] thespaz92: I don't want to force you to do something you don't want to do so if this is what you want, what you truly think is best then alright. We won't be together anymore then.
[21:33] Sara/Edward~: (sry I'm taking forever to reply Sammi is complaining a lot and its difficult to make her shut up on the phone and talk without saying something stupid on AIM at the same time D: )
[21:34] Sara/Edward~: I dont know what to think, but I know that's how I feel.
[21:34] Sara/Edward~: I'm sorry.
[21:35] thespaz92: Yeah, I'm not gonna lie and say it's fine. It's not, but... what else can I do? Um, don't expect me to be talking to you or anything for a week or so. Nothing personal just.... :/
[21:35] thespaz92: And I have to "divorce" you on FB.
[21:37] Sara/Edward~: that's understandable. =/ I know that's how you cope. I've gone months with people ignoring me so its ok if it'll help us get back to being good friends still.
[21:38] thespaz92: Yeah so... if that's all then, I'll just go to bed then...
[20:25] Sara/Edward~: of course
[20:25] Sara/Edward~: go for it?
[20:25] Sara/Edward~: *.
[20:25] Sara/Edward~: idk why that was a question
[20:25] thespaz92: um... ok, maybe I should've said questions but here it goes:
[20:26] thespaz92: how important is our relationship to you?
[20:27] Sara/Edward~: o_o where is this coming from?
[20:27] thespaz92: just answer eeet. it has to do with my second question :c
[20:28] Sara/Edward~: ok... well our relationship is definitely important to me. I really like you. but really, where is this coming from? you're worrying me
[20:29] thespaz92: ok and... do you want us to go farther in our relationship?
[20:30] Sara/Edward~: I'm gonna be honest... I want to go farther, but I dont know if we really can. =/
[20:31] thespaz92: and why is that?
[20:32] Sara/Edward~: because we're two very different people, and for a while everything was running smoothly and now we're having arguments almost every time we talk. we see things differently and think differently and it seems to be causing problems. D:
[20:32] thespaz92: yeah I know... :/
[20:32] Sara/Edward~: is that why you asked?
[20:33] Sara/Edward~: were you thinking the same thing?
[20:33] thespaz92: well yes and also because...
[20:34] thespaz92: if you really wanted us to continue dating and if this is something really important to you, we need to tell people. Lyssa told me we should've told people a long time ago, but I said you weren't ready for that and then she asks if you were ready for it now. I told her probably not, but like...
[20:35] thespaz92: I physically cannot keep hiding around like this. It's like I'm keeping a part of me hidden and it hurts. I want to share my happiness with people because this is important to me. Very much so.
[20:37] thespaz92: and I know we've talked about this before so I was hesitant to even bring it up x____x
[20:40] Sara/Edward~: Fifi... I know its really important to you, and I know you really want to tell people, but.. I'm very weak and very private. even when I went out with PJ, I didn't like people knowing. I just dont think it's other people's business. its who I am. and I know it means a lot to you, and I care a lot about making you happy and I wish I could do this for you but its not who I am.
[20:40] Sara/Edward~: this is just one of those things we are polar opposites on, and I can't change that =/
[20:40] Sara/Edward~: I'm sorry I make you mad/sad/upset
[20:40] Sara/Edward~: I'm sorry I really really am.
[20:41] thespaz92: So we wouldn't be able to EVER tell people? At all?
[20:41] Sara/Edward~: thats not what I said... its just... we've been arguing so much it makes me uneasy. if things were running as smoothly as they were at first, I'd be all for it... but something as simple as having a casual conversation is even difficult for us now.
[20:42] Sara/Edward~: at first I didn't want to tell people because I wanted to test the waters, see if we could do this, and then I wanted to tell people cause we were doing so well, and then things went downhill steadily... and it just doesn't seem right.
[20:44] thespaz92: Yeah...
[20:46] thespaz92: it's not like fighting is unusual for couples. I really don't have an excuse as to why this is happening except that I hate, really hate talking about grades and my future. It just... isn't a good topic for me. And I know you're worried and I know you care but it's like... I don't need it. I have my mom for that and she says those things to me 24/7 and I didn't want to hear them from you :/
[20:46] thespaz92: I don't want to let you down and when you said I wasn't trying, well...
[20:48] Sara/Edward~: I know what you mean about that. it may not seem like it, it may seem like I'm some second mother sent from hell to torture you, but I know what you mean. I've had more restless nights full of depression and crying because of my mother and brother talking bad about my grades than I think you could even understand. I dont tell people, but its true. to be completely and one hundred percent honest, I tell you things like that I feel like you aren't trying because of two things.
[20:51] Sara/Edward~: one, I dont want to see you do badly. I want to see you do something great with yourself. I know you can, I know it's in you. and two, I've been hurt so much because of my grades... I mean, grades have become half of what my lief is because of how absolutely dead my mother makes me feel when she scolds me for my grades. I have been suicidal before. and to see someone I care about getting warnings from their parents and not taking it seriously, seeing that you don't have to deal with it so much (or at least you dont take your groundings and stuff seriously) makes me go "why the HECK do they get off so easily when i've been tortured so much about my own grades?" and it just makes me so mad... I'm sorry if my own experience has caused me to make you upset like that, which i know they have... it's just how I'm programmed.
[20:55] thespaz92: well, I'd rather avoid the subject completely then. I'm hard-wired to be careless and lazy, and it's not something I can change easily. I like making you happy, hun :/ I'm sorry if I have let you down. I know I'm far from perfect; I'm paranoid, jealous, and all around just... cruel and I don't mean to be, I just am and I want you to know that despite everything, despite out differences, I really want you, Sara. I don't want to give you up unless something so terrible happens that I can't be with you anymore. If that seems forward, I'm sorry, it's just... how I feel.
[20:57] thespaz92: And I have a problem with not sharing my feelings with people often so I'm sorry for that as well. It's not like I don't trust you or anything it's just I don't feel like my emotions are worth anything to be mentioned. I'm emotional so it's like I have too many feelings to list and I just don't bother.
[20:59] thespaz92: *our differences
[21:00] Sara/Edward~: i'm not gonna lie this makes me want to cry. i don't want to hurt you, i don't want to at all, but it just hurts me to keep doing this. I just don't know how we can make this work.
[21:01] thespaz92: Please don't cry, please D: They say patience is key...
[21:05] Sara/Edward~: Fifi... I'm a private person. I dont like telling people my business. I seek refuge in being alone or swinging or walking. you're an open person and like to be outgoing and around people. I like to listen to my music a lot because it puts me in my own little world where I can ignore everything horrible and whenever I want to listen to music you get unhappy with me. when I want to do school work or take a nap, you want to hang out or go somewhere.
[21:05] Sara/Edward~: we're in constant confliction and it causes constant problems. even when you just get mad cause I'm listening to music, i feel horrible and mad because I dont understand how doing something so innocent is so bad. it doesn't make sense to me.
[21:06] Sara/Edward~: we just dont see eye to eye a lot of the time, and it makes me want to cry it does and I'm trying not to but its very difficult to say the things i've been thinking
[21:09] thespaz92: I know, it's difficult for me too... and I don't get mad if you listen to music or want to do homework, I just get frustrated because I seem so clingy and I hate being clingy. I try not to be but it's so hard sometimes because I love being near you and just touching you occasionally. Yes, I'm a social person and I love sharing things, but I can't share everything with everybody and I can't hang out with people all the time. I need alone time too, but not a lot of it.
[21:11] thespaz92: and I know we don't agree with things and we have different tastes, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I mean, sure, I'd love it if you could somehow find a way to love Muse like I do, but I mean... what can you do? Most couples are opposites. Looks at your parents for example. They seem totally different to me and my parents are complete opposites.
[21:11] thespaz92: Sure we fight and don't see eye to eye sometimes, but does that mean we can't work things out?
[21:22] Sara/Edward~: ... Fifi, please don't make me feel worse about this, I already feel awful, I'm near tears here. I care about you a lot but I honestly don't feel like it's working and I'm unhappy more than I'm happy and I know you are, too. I know you want this to work, and I really really tried, but I just feel like it's not going the way I or you had hoped and it's better to be friends, for the both of us, even if it doesn't feel like it to you right now. I'm so sorry that I can't say I feel the same way as you about this anymore.
[21:24] thespaz92: So... this is it then?
[21:26] Sara/Edward~: I guess so... I mean, i still really care about you, but I think this is the only way it can be.
[21:27] thespaz92: If this is what you want, Sara.
[21:28] Sara/Edward~: when will you see I have no idea what I want? =/ this is just what I think is best for us.
[21:30] thespaz92: I don't want to force you to do something you don't want to do so if this is what you want, what you truly think is best then alright. We won't be together anymore then.
[21:33] Sara/Edward~: (sry I'm taking forever to reply Sammi is complaining a lot and its difficult to make her shut up on the phone and talk without saying something stupid on AIM at the same time D: )
[21:34] Sara/Edward~: I dont know what to think, but I know that's how I feel.
[21:34] Sara/Edward~: I'm sorry.
[21:35] thespaz92: Yeah, I'm not gonna lie and say it's fine. It's not, but... what else can I do? Um, don't expect me to be talking to you or anything for a week or so. Nothing personal just.... :/
[21:35] thespaz92: And I have to "divorce" you on FB.
[21:37] Sara/Edward~: that's understandable. =/ I know that's how you cope. I've gone months with people ignoring me so its ok if it'll help us get back to being good friends still.
[21:38] thespaz92: Yeah so... if that's all then, I'll just go to bed then...
March 21, 2010
I'm such a Goddamn pussy
Not even lying to you. In the past month or so, I've had an urge to cry like a million times and a couple of times I actually DID cry. Why? Because I obviously have zero self control. Crying is for weak people and I am not weak :l I was a cry baby in the past and I have no urge to be one again. I mean, fucking get a GRIP, Phylicia!
Christ. I never used to be this emotional until I started dating Sara. A sign? Maybe. But I don't wanna think about that until I can be sure. Ugh.
Alex says I should talk to her about my feelings and my thoughts. Well, I would LOVE to if I wasn't such an emotional retard. All the time. I'm either happy or I'm wicked depressed. I'm like frickin' Tiffs (some bipolar bitch at out school) only I realize I have a problem. And this shit needs to be controlled NOW. I can't expect Sara to put up with it for much longer. Plus, during musical, frickin' Hobo and Matt did nothing but make it worse. In a time when I really wanted to hang out with Sara, I COULDN'T because either Matt stole her for some fucking problem she has/had or because Hobo wanted to talk to her about something. I mean... fuck. Am I really not fun to be around anymore? Does she not want to spend time with me or something? I get why since I'm been sullen and quiet for about a month but that's not her fault, it's mine. For frickin' caring about shit I don't NEED to care about. Like her hanging out with her friends. I shouldn't care that she blew me off Friday to hang out with Naomi even when I told her I had to tell her something that night. I realize now Naomi takes fucking priority over everyone so... why do I feel so rejected and hurt? It shouldn't even MATTER. So fucking ridiculous.
Plus, I just found out Sara doesn't get "amused" easily unless she's basically listening to music, talking with certain people on AIM, or Hobo. When I saw that she had a lot of fun hanging out with Hobo I got... depressed. Like she doesn't have fun talking or hanging out with me or something. And, Christ, it's not like that at ALL. I know she didn't mean it that way, but like... I still had that feeling that she'd be better off with him. That way she wouldn't have to hide their relationship because he's male and she's just have an all around blast being with him.
Only she turned him down last year then decided to go out with me. So. I suppose that says something, but that didn't stop me from thinking that. I think the reason I DID think that is because we still haven't told people that we're dating. And it's been... what? 5 months? 4 months? I mean, you'd think that by NOW we would've told people, but noooo. Sara's scared of how the Tards might react to finding out.
WHO THE FUCK CARES?! I mean, if this is something she cares about and if this is something she really fucking wants, don't you think she'd take the risk of telling people? It brings up the question whether or not she really DOES want our relationship to continue. Or...
Or maybe she doesn't want people to think she's gay? Or is dating a girl, let alone ME?
I don't think she realizes how much this is hurting me. I believe I've told her before how keeping our relationship a secret was killing me but her response was, "I'm sorry."
Like... UGH. I know you're fucking sorry now fucking DO something about it! I can't be the only one GIVING in this relationship! So far it's been ME initiating every thing we do (ex. holding hands, kissing, hugging, simple touching). But I mean... I need to know if she feels the same way about me. I know this is her first time, but she's NOT stupid so I think she'd be able to catch on by now.
Apparently not. And I'm slowly realizing what it means to go out with her. Patience is key, but how long can I wait before I finally snap?
And that, all up there, is shit I shouldn't even be thinking about. She'd tell me if she wanted to tell people about us and that wouldn't be until she's READY. I shouldn't want to rush things or force her to do stuff she's not comfortable with. Like I said before, this is why first relationship with a girl so it SHOULD be slow and steady.
{But this is just too fucking slow.}
jfdsialmhvtui;gv ia][,tu9peav gavemjimoh ubmo
I'm so useless. I can't even go a day without feeling so self conscious about all this. I'm so fucking weak and stupid. She deserves better than this, I know it. Plus, I found out I was HURTING her unintentionally by being my fucking self. Like, how can she STAND me? I'm such a useless fucking bitch. I'm surprised she's even still WITH me and my emotional sap. I keep thinking I should tell her this, but I keep delaying. That somehow by telling her this she'll just be all, "I'm sorry" and that's that. Like that's suppose to SOLVE things. I know I have to bring this up to her, but it makes me feel fucking retarded for even bringing it up. Like I'm a fucking wuss or something. I mean, I bet she hasn't cried this much in the past MONTH. So why am I? I can't even remember a fun conversation between us. It's always been either boring or serious or just... nothing. I feel like I'm this cause for this and I probably am. I just don't know how to fix this between us. Before we started going out, she used to say, "I love you!! *hugs* G'night! :D" now it's all, "kk g'night". And then... I remember one time in November she sent me a text saying, "Gnight~ Thinkin of u" and I saved it because somewhere in my mind I knew I wouldn't be getting another one like it. And I've tried saying "Thinking of you~" or "I love you" to her before she leaves but... I don't really get a proper response to it so I stopped. And I started to say "Sweet dreams" whenever she leaves and apparently she likes it but... there are some days when I feel like it's a lost cause so I don't say anything but good-bye.
Plus, I've taken to calling her beautiful every day because she IS, but she doesn't see it and I want her to know that other people think she's beautiful even if she herself doesn't. But, um... I don't think she's ever called ME beautiful. She just gives me a look whenever I say I'm ugly or fat. I suppose that's her equivalent to saying, "You're beautiful, shut up." I mean, I know I have high self esteem than she does and I know she's shy about these things it's just... I'd like to hear them once in a while.
:l I'm so retarded. I need a therapist or something. Or meds. Either way, I need to stop letting these things affect me. It's not a big deal as long as she still wants to go out with me, right? My feelings are not important and neither are my opinions. I'd rather just listen to her talk about her problems and her thoughts than having to talk about mine. I could go hours just listening to her talk and just BEING there with her would just make my day. But, uh, she got busy again and I'm grounded. Plus it seems like she doesn't want to hang out with me much so I've decided to back off physically. If she wants to hang out, she can ask; if she wants me to touch her, she can ask me or do it herself; and if she wants our relationship to continue, she can work for it.
I'm done trying.
~~The FiFi~~
Christ. I never used to be this emotional until I started dating Sara. A sign? Maybe. But I don't wanna think about that until I can be sure. Ugh.
Alex says I should talk to her about my feelings and my thoughts. Well, I would LOVE to if I wasn't such an emotional retard. All the time. I'm either happy or I'm wicked depressed. I'm like frickin' Tiffs (some bipolar bitch at out school) only I realize I have a problem. And this shit needs to be controlled NOW. I can't expect Sara to put up with it for much longer. Plus, during musical, frickin' Hobo and Matt did nothing but make it worse. In a time when I really wanted to hang out with Sara, I COULDN'T because either Matt stole her for some fucking problem she has/had or because Hobo wanted to talk to her about something. I mean... fuck. Am I really not fun to be around anymore? Does she not want to spend time with me or something? I get why since I'm been sullen and quiet for about a month but that's not her fault, it's mine. For frickin' caring about shit I don't NEED to care about. Like her hanging out with her friends. I shouldn't care that she blew me off Friday to hang out with Naomi even when I told her I had to tell her something that night. I realize now Naomi takes fucking priority over everyone so... why do I feel so rejected and hurt? It shouldn't even MATTER. So fucking ridiculous.
Plus, I just found out Sara doesn't get "amused" easily unless she's basically listening to music, talking with certain people on AIM, or Hobo. When I saw that she had a lot of fun hanging out with Hobo I got... depressed. Like she doesn't have fun talking or hanging out with me or something. And, Christ, it's not like that at ALL. I know she didn't mean it that way, but like... I still had that feeling that she'd be better off with him. That way she wouldn't have to hide their relationship because he's male and she's just have an all around blast being with him.
Only she turned him down last year then decided to go out with me. So. I suppose that says something, but that didn't stop me from thinking that. I think the reason I DID think that is because we still haven't told people that we're dating. And it's been... what? 5 months? 4 months? I mean, you'd think that by NOW we would've told people, but noooo. Sara's scared of how the Tards might react to finding out.
WHO THE FUCK CARES?! I mean, if this is something she cares about and if this is something she really fucking wants, don't you think she'd take the risk of telling people? It brings up the question whether or not she really DOES want our relationship to continue. Or...
Or maybe she doesn't want people to think she's gay? Or is dating a girl, let alone ME?
I don't think she realizes how much this is hurting me. I believe I've told her before how keeping our relationship a secret was killing me but her response was, "I'm sorry."
Like... UGH. I know you're fucking sorry now fucking DO something about it! I can't be the only one GIVING in this relationship! So far it's been ME initiating every thing we do (ex. holding hands, kissing, hugging, simple touching). But I mean... I need to know if she feels the same way about me. I know this is her first time, but she's NOT stupid so I think she'd be able to catch on by now.
Apparently not. And I'm slowly realizing what it means to go out with her. Patience is key, but how long can I wait before I finally snap?
And that, all up there, is shit I shouldn't even be thinking about. She'd tell me if she wanted to tell people about us and that wouldn't be until she's READY. I shouldn't want to rush things or force her to do stuff she's not comfortable with. Like I said before, this is why first relationship with a girl so it SHOULD be slow and steady.
{But this is just too fucking slow.}
jfdsialmhvtui;gv ia][,tu9peav gavemjimoh ubmo
I'm so useless. I can't even go a day without feeling so self conscious about all this. I'm so fucking weak and stupid. She deserves better than this, I know it. Plus, I found out I was HURTING her unintentionally by being my fucking self. Like, how can she STAND me? I'm such a useless fucking bitch. I'm surprised she's even still WITH me and my emotional sap. I keep thinking I should tell her this, but I keep delaying. That somehow by telling her this she'll just be all, "I'm sorry" and that's that. Like that's suppose to SOLVE things. I know I have to bring this up to her, but it makes me feel fucking retarded for even bringing it up. Like I'm a fucking wuss or something. I mean, I bet she hasn't cried this much in the past MONTH. So why am I? I can't even remember a fun conversation between us. It's always been either boring or serious or just... nothing. I feel like I'm this cause for this and I probably am. I just don't know how to fix this between us. Before we started going out, she used to say, "I love you!! *hugs* G'night! :D" now it's all, "kk g'night". And then... I remember one time in November she sent me a text saying, "Gnight~ Thinkin of u" and I saved it because somewhere in my mind I knew I wouldn't be getting another one like it. And I've tried saying "Thinking of you~" or "I love you" to her before she leaves but... I don't really get a proper response to it so I stopped. And I started to say "Sweet dreams" whenever she leaves and apparently she likes it but... there are some days when I feel like it's a lost cause so I don't say anything but good-bye.
Plus, I've taken to calling her beautiful every day because she IS, but she doesn't see it and I want her to know that other people think she's beautiful even if she herself doesn't. But, um... I don't think she's ever called ME beautiful. She just gives me a look whenever I say I'm ugly or fat. I suppose that's her equivalent to saying, "You're beautiful, shut up." I mean, I know I have high self esteem than she does and I know she's shy about these things it's just... I'd like to hear them once in a while.
:l I'm so retarded. I need a therapist or something. Or meds. Either way, I need to stop letting these things affect me. It's not a big deal as long as she still wants to go out with me, right? My feelings are not important and neither are my opinions. I'd rather just listen to her talk about her problems and her thoughts than having to talk about mine. I could go hours just listening to her talk and just BEING there with her would just make my day. But, uh, she got busy again and I'm grounded. Plus it seems like she doesn't want to hang out with me much so I've decided to back off physically. If she wants to hang out, she can ask; if she wants me to touch her, she can ask me or do it herself; and if she wants our relationship to continue, she can work for it.
I'm done trying.
~~The FiFi~~
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